As a college student who can now recognize that it’s okay to be different from other people, I wish that autistic people could have the space to share their experiences and feel understood. I’d like to think that being on the spectrum has made me a very entertaining person. Sometimes I think that I might be the funniest person I know. There are things that I love about myself: my special interests, my sense of humor (which normally includes recycling the same three jokes over and over), and other behaviors.
There are some things that I don’t love about my experience growing up. I don’t love being told I can’t empathize, that I need to smile more, that I don’t “act” like I have autism, that I seem coldhearted, and that my special interests are odd. I don’t enjoy being ignored because most people can’t relate to me.
It can warp a person’s perception of reality to feel disconnected to such an extreme. I don’t enjoy feeling like no one can communicate with me. No one enjoys feeling like they do not belong. It’s hard to find people who you can relate to when your entire world feels like it’s pushing you out of it.
The best way to explain the feeling would be to say that I have a personality that I sometimes believe only a mother could love. I am still learning that this is not true, because it isn’t. I wish no one thought like that.
While I don’t remember much of my early childhood, I do remember being hyper-aware of everything. If I spilled juice on the floor in school, I would have a meltdown that lasted hours. When I failed a hearing test in third grade, I believed that was my mistake. I always believed I had devastated everyone by failing. It didn’t help that my parents were told I spoke too well to be autistic. Autism Spectrum Disorder does not, and has never, worked that way.
Just as neurotypical people are all unique, so are neurodivergent people. It has taken too long for people to realize that.
In my experience, most people don’t take me very seriously. Because the vast majority of people don’t obsess over their interests like I do, I don’t get taken very seriously. I believe this is because my passions don’t fit the mold of what you should be passionate about. Unfortunately, this meant that I didn’t talk much growing up. I don’t know how to process what I feel. I can’t put my emotions into words.
I haven’t been insecure about myself for years now. I wouldn’t be me without the characteristics and traits that make me me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel angry, agitated, upset, and alone.
I feel it all the time.
I must admit that while I don’t want to change myself to be like everyone else, part of me has always wanted the world to change to suit me.
The reality is that everyone feels alone and misunderstood. We do not have the luxury of living in a utopia. But we must also realize that navigating a world designed for the neurotypical, for people who are seen as more “normal” and desirable, is hard. But I do still feel hopeful for the future. I look forward to a future where we are seen as people instead of problems.