A few months ago, I was sitting down with my parents, giggling over all the little mistakes I had made over the past year and, boy oh boy had I made a lot. My wild escapades of freshman year varied from parking illegally to trying to rekindle feelings with boys from highschool and there are many in between. I felt like a screw up. I got out into the real world and I just kept on making mistakes non stop. Every weekend I was calling up my parents to help me figure out something new. I was an infant all over again. Completely helpless and dependent on my parents. As I was caught up in this internal dialogue attacking my screw up self, my dad started to talk. He said “Well Tatum, a lot of the times when you feel like you are messing up the most, you are actually growing the most”. They were such wise words made in passing and I don’t think I started to appreciate it until I processed it later.
Growing up is this weird season of feeling like a baby and a sophisticated woman all at the same time. All the important decisions are up to you but you are unequipped to make them. College is this melting pot where you get four years to figure it all out. I do not think it is often talked about how “figuring it out” is so uncomfortable. While making college friends, getting involved, and following your future career is filled with so many fun moments, it is also really scary. In order to make those friends you have to put yourself out there and in order to get that job you have to go to the scary interview.
Recently my big screw up has been in my friendships. I have realized that I am not as good at listening as I would like to think. I too often start to hold grudges against someone because the problem is not big enough in my eyes to bring up. I can isolate myself from people and then I am upset that they do not make a bigger effort to be in my life. These realizations are hard for me to admit because I like to think of myself as a good friend. It is uncomfortable to know where I have fallen short in the friend department. As much as I hate feeling this way, it is necessary in order to understand how to love the people in my life better. I could have gone my whole life without working through these bad habits in relationships and my friendships probably would have turned out okay. However, they would not be as rich and full as they could be.
Being uncomfortable is a part of growing. While I wish I was smarter with my driving and did not send “are you up” texts, it all got me to where I am today. It is okay to feel like a helpless child and lean on the people in your life to guide you. Figuring it out is not a flaw, it is just a part of life. Keep on messing up and figuring it out because it will only lead to growth.