Attachment might be something you fight against and try so hard to avoid, or it might be something that comes easy to you. Individual attachment styles are important things to understand in order to build healthy long-term relationships. The attachment theory was created in 1950 by John Bowlby, who theorized that a person thinks and acts a certain way in a relationship based on their specific attachment style. Bowlby believed that the relationship one had with their parents as a child determines their attachment style as they get older.
There are four different attachment styles: secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. Within each of these styles, there are subgroups; avoidant can be seen as anxious-avoidant or dismissive, and disorganized can also be fearful-avoidant. Each of the attachment styles other than secure is considered an insecure attachment style.
John Bowlby believed that if a child can consistently depend on their parents to fulfill their needs, they’re likely to develop a secure attachment style. They’ll see relationships as a safe space where they can express their emotions and create a healthy bond with the other person. On the other hand, insecure attachment styles develop when a child had a strained bond with their parental figures and the child learns they may not be able to rely on others to provide them with the comfort and support they want and need. This supports multiple theories that people subconsciously seek the same love and relationships with their partner that they had with their parents; we learn how to love through the love we were given as children.
People with secure attachment styles can fully be themselves in relationships. They understand their wants and needs and know how to demand that they have a place in their relationship. These people can easily find comfort and support with their partner, and can freely rely on another person for emotional support.
People with insecure attachment styles may have a harder time allowing themselves to rely on their partner for emotional support or giving their partner emotional support. These people can often be either too clingy or fear intimacy altogether. People that have an avoidant attachment style are extremely independent and often uncomfortable with intimacy. An anxious attachment style may make someone constantly seek reassurance because they are uncertain of their partner, uncertain that they are dependable and their love is true. People with a disorganized attachment style crave intimate relationships, they want to love, but they simultaneously build walls to protect themselves due to fear and a lack of trust.
Once you understand your attachment style, which can be determined by online quizzes or a deep understanding of yourself, you can better understand how you respond to relationships. If you feel you have a secure attachment style, you can continue to build healthy loving relationships, or you can begin to change the way you view relationships and closeness if you have one of the three insecure attachment styles. Although your attachment style is generally dependent upon the relationship you had with your parental figures, it can change. The way you give and receive love is forever changing, and you can make sure it is changing for the better by working towards a secure attachment style.