I have been told many times before that I seemingly have my life put together. I have my color-coded Google Calendar that maps out every minute of my day; I manage my time decently well by balancing social and academic obligations, and generally I’m in a good mood. With HerCampus writing about mental health and self-care perpetuates the idea that I have cracked the code. I know how to maintain my mental stability and my wellness. I am here to tell you about some of my many flaws that no one ever sees on Instagram or reads about on HerCampus. It’s time for being flawed to be a real conversation because self-awareness is something many struggle with, myself included.
- I have extreme trust issues
I don’t just mean this in a “I don’t tell anyone anything” type of way, but also in the sense that I have this fear that one day all of my friends will realize all my flaws are too much and won’t want to deal with it. I find it really hard to trust that my friends love me unconditionally through absolutely no fault of their own; rather, it is because of my own issues. Having these extreme trust issues makes me overthink every interaction I have with my friends. If my friend sounds a bit different in a text, I will immediately ask if she or he is okay. After a while, that’s annoying for them to have to constantly answer. So, the cycle continues: I think they’re annoyed at me, they’re not, then I think they’re annoyed that I asked. It’s ridiculous, and I admit that.
I’ve gotten better about it over the years but also fall short many days too. It’s not my friends’ responsibility to ensure that I feel I can trust them 24/7. I always preach that no one is responsible for healing your trauma. Likewise, I recognize that the main source of my trust issues stems from the fact that my mother is absent in my life; however, that can’t continue to be the reason why I don’t trust my friends or question our interactions.
My friends have shown me love when I didn’t deserve it, called me out when I needed to be, and supported me as I have grown and continue to grow. Their love for me shows with their actions, and I know it in my heart. Unfortunately, the trust issues still remain. It’s a problem, and unlike my other articles where I provide a resolution, this one I haven’t fully solved yet.
- I cannot let things go
I let my past experiences impact so much of my present experiences. My first flaw mentioned stems from a past experience. Whether it’s a fight with a friend or sibling, I struggle SO hard at moving forward. I hate when people are mad at me or when I have upset someone, but I also hate when people hurt my feelings. Even if a reconciliation has taken place, it takes me a little longer to feel at ease with that person. For situations where the friendship ended as a result of a fight, I will think about it for weeks after. I will overanalyze the words said and the events that led up to the fight. I will wish I said or did something differently. I will think about the hurtful things done or said months later; it’s not healthy.
In the end, I need to listen to Idina Menzel and Let. It. Go. At the end of the day, any fight or situation that I mull over takes time away from improving myself for the betterment of my own life.
- I self-sabotage
Last semester, I told some of my sorority sisters how I suffer greatly from anxiety, and they stared at me in disbelief. They couldn’t believe it. Like my trust issues, I mask my anxiety well which typically results in the end product of self-sabotaging.
Whenever I meet someone new for lunch or if I have a crush on a guy, I always imagine the worst scenarios happening which generates inner anxiety. What if they don’t think I’m as funny as my social media presence portrays? What if we run out of things to talk about? What if, what if, what if. Many times I’ll simply avoid being in a situation, aka self-sabotage, so I don’t have to see the “worst case scenarios” take place.
The thing with self-sabotaging is I never realize what I am missing out on–whether it be a new favorite memory of life or meeting someone I wouldn’t have if I stayed at home. It is something I want to change about myself, as times when I have made myself take the leap of faith, I have made amazing memories and developed deeper friendships.
I didn’t write this article to play the ‘victim card’ or the ‘woe is me’ situation. Part of this article serves as a step in the right direction of improving my flaws. Here’s me trusting any person who happens to stumble upon this article with three of my biggest issues in life. Here’s me telling y’all that I struggle with it everyday. All I can hope that comes out of this for the reader, though, is a deeper understanding of not only me, but every person around you and yourself. We don’t all have the same flaws, but we all have flaws. The people we compare ourselves to, the people that seem to have it altogether, the celebrities we admire – they are all flawed.
In the end, all I can do is actually work on improving these flaws instead of being mad at myself for not being the girl who has it altogether.