Gaslighting, gaslighting, gaslighting. I am nearly positive that if you are a young adult, you have heard this phrase over and over recently when explaining toxic people or conversations. I was 20 years old when I realized I’ve been gaslighting myself most of my life. Is it me, am I the problem?(yes.) You probably gaslight yourself too without realizing it.
As a refresher, the definition of gaslighting is, “To manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity” (Oxford Dictionary). When an individual makes you feel like you are crazy when they are wrong, often invalidating your feelings or words. We gaslight ourselves when we invalidate or suppress our own feelings. The most common way I gaslight myself is when I express something that upsets me following with, “but it’s not that serious,” or, “but I’m probably just being dramatic.” Often when someone says something that upsets me, I’ll blame it on me being too sensitive or overthinking it. 99% of the time, I have a completely valid reason to be upset! I was recently talking with some friends, and they stopped me every time I invalidated myself. I was stopped by them in practically every sentence. After that conversation, I decided I was making it a personal goal to speak my truth and not apologize or invalidate myself for it. If something upsets you, or if you are struggling, be upset about it! You are allowed to be.
Gaslighting yourself is a toxic trait because it leads us to suppress what hurts us, and when others hear us invalidate ourselves, they are more prone to do it to themselves. Why do we gaslight ourselves? 1) Because we hear other people invalidate themselves, and it has become a social norm and/or 2) We have been gaslighted by others in the past. Personally, because people have been dismissive of my feelings in the past, I’ve learned to invalidate myself whenever I speak as a protective mechanism; because I would rather invalidate myself than have others do it behind my back. I’ll say something like, “I’m upset about _________ but it’s not a big deal, I’m just being dramatic,” because I’m worried I’ll leave the room just to have others say I was being dramatic or making everything about me. This is so stupid! Anyone that invalidates your feelings to you or behind your back does not genuinely care about you and is not worth having in your life.
Gaslighting is a term that is getting more recognition now than ever before. If we can call others out on it, we also need to hold ourselves liable. I am so glad I had people to hold me accountable and call me out on how I gaslight myself. It’s a work in progress, but I am working to change because I deserve to talk about how I feel without anyone invalidating me, especially myself. Now, I am holding you accountable. Say it with me: My feelings are my own and I will not apologize for them. I will not invalidate my feelings.