A year ago, I was hanging out with a boy who, although at points was a little out of touch and materialistic, seemed pretty normal and nice. As we headed back to his best friend’s house, he made it abundantly clear that his best friend’s parents were billionaires, and those were the circles he belonged to. He gave me a tour of the property and ginormous house, but once we got inside things picked up much faster and farther than I ever had the intention of going. He brought me into a room and started to kiss me while taking off my clothes. In an attempt to slow down and stop, I told him that I wasn’t really comfortable with what we were doing and that I don’t hook up with people the first time I meet them, he replied, “Just think about the house, baby.”
I left that night feeling a way that I had never felt before. Mentally, my brain was scrambled, and I couldn’t wrap my head around anything that had happened. Physically, I felt like I was trapped inside a body that was no longer mine. What happened didn’t feel normal or okay, but it wasn’t like he was physically threatening. What happened couldn’t have been assault…right? I told a few of my friends what happened, and they either shut me down by saying, “but did you say no or stop?” or they laughed and said that it was “just another bad hook up, everybody has a few of those.” I remember thinking if that is a bad hookup, I am never hooking up again, and I hope no one ever has a hookup like that and feels the way I do. I went months accepting that it was just a “bad hookup” and feeling gross about it all and myself. One morning at work I was talking about it with my manager when she looked at me and said “I’m sorry I hate to be that one that breaks it to you, but that was assault, and that was not okay.”
As I have come to find out, sexual coercion is very real and a lot more common than you may think. According to this Healthline article, coercion is any attempt to control your behavior with threats or manipulation. In the context of sexual coercion, it would be using threats or manipulation to pressure you into sex acts, especially after saying no. Anyone can use sexual coercion as a tactic to get what they want. It can be your boss, teacher, partner, friend, or stranger. Phrases like “don’t you love me?” “Come on, I’m so turned on right now” “We’ve been on three dates, don’t you think it’s time” are all examples of sexual coercion. Sexual coercion can be social pressure, emotional manipulation, badgering, guilt trips, denying affection, and much more.
Sexual assault is ANY sexual contact that happens without consent, while rape is sexual assault specific to sexual penetration that occurs without consent. Consent is a freely-given, active agreement to participate in an activity. Since sexual coercion puts pressure on someone to give consent, the consent given is not freely given, and therefore the consent is void. So, if you have ever given in to someone due to pressure, your “yes” or even lack of an explicit “no” is not giving consent, and those pressured activities are assault. When participating in sexual activities with someone, they should be of clear mind and body and enthusiastic about participating in all activities. No one should ever have to pressure anyone into doing something they aren’t comfortable doing.
If someone has sexually coerced you, I am so sorry, and I hope you know however you feel is valid and okay. Even if it’s months down the line and something brings you back to that moment, it is normal, and it takes time to process these events. Everyone bounces back from these things differently, so be kind to yourself and allow yourself to recover at the right pace. Being coerced into an assault does not make that assault gray or lowkey. Any sexual activities that happen as a result of coercion are assault because COERCION IS NOT CONSENT.