The 7 Guys You’ll F*ck in College

Men are like snowflakes; they are beautiful and unique beings that should be cherished for their individuality. While this is a great sentiment, the truth is that college campuses are crawling with walking stereotypes and I’m here to help you forecast which one’s you’re likely to bump fronts with before you graduate.

 

1. The Business Major

He’s got a few well-tailored suit jackets that make you semi-swoon. He gets turned on by mansplaining the stock market to you (and you let him because you just want to get it in already). Let’s face it, he’s a pretty cookie-cutter lover, but letting him meet your dad indicates to your parents that you are, in fact, capable of making a wise mating choice.

 

2. The Athlete

HOT, HE’S JUST SO HOT! All of those early morning lifts with the team are really working for him. Not only can he lift weights, but he can lift your lazy ass all around the bedroom. You can almost always catch him sporting Furman gear and a P-den cup full of yellow Gatorade, but you don’t mind because he’s going to need all of the electrolytes he can get once you are done with him.

 

3. The High-Functioning Alcoholic

The charming frat guy that always has gaggles of fun people over drinking at his place. You’ve tried to get with him a few times since freshman year, but each time find him plagued by a wicked case of whiskey dick. It’s not too much of a letdown, because he feels bad and still spoons you to sleep like a gentleman. Although you know you shouldn't try to sleep with him again, he keeps buying you drinks when you see him downtown so you’ll probably give him one more shot.

 

4. The Nerd with a D*ck of Gold

Good lawd the pecker on this guy! The bullying he endured in middle school for sporting Pokémon pins on his backpack makes for a sensitive and passionate lover. He loves to study up and be the best at everything, which comes in quite handy when he knows exactly where your G-spot is without your guidance. Some of the video game references might go right over your head, but he’s really sweet and seems to give a sh*t whether or not you have sex again, so you smile and feign interest in Fortnite or Yugioh or whatever the hell he was talking about.

 

5. The Accent

You don’t have much in common... like at all. That doesn't bother you, though, because you could listen to that sexy accent recite the United States Constitution and it would probably make your knees weak. Sex with him makes you feel like you’re in an episode of Downton Abbey, and that’s all the escape you’ll ever need.

 

6. The Big Fish

He’s involved in just about every single organization on campus and is very well connected. This guy can’t sneeze without somebody putting it on their Snapchat story declaring how much this guy effing rocks. Hooking up with him is pretty good, and the ego boost you get from hooking up with the Big Fish feels nice, but ultimately news does travel fast with this guy. Before he is even done lacing up his duck boots, three people have texted you asking if you two really hooked up.

 

7. The Visitor

This one is a personal favorite of mine because you can really be whoever you want to be with this guy, have some great coitus, then never have to deal with seeing him around campus ever again. He’s a friend of a friend’s cousin’s friend, and is rocking a thiqque man bun. You start chatting with him downtown and offer him a bed at your place (because you know damn well he’d rather sleep with you than on his cousin’s couch). You keep him on Snapchat just to relive the fun whenever you see his stories.  

 

Ladies, keep an eye out for these stereotypical college lays, and don’t be afraid to sprinkle in some new talent to your roster every once in a while.