Throughout my life, I’ve always been dubbed the “Nice Girl.” Phrases like, “Oh Taylor would never do that,” “She would never say anything bad about anyone” and “Could you imagine Taylor being mean?” were said to me all the time. And I will admit, I was flattered by them because they made me feel that I was an overall good person. On the surface level, phrases like those above seem positive and even harmless, yet deeply rooted in them are often hints of weakness, verbal jabs if you will. Unfortunately, it’s taken me a while to realize that I was letting in certain people who were taking advantage of my “niceness” and losing my own self-respect in my niceness quest.
One thing I should share is that my love language is words of affirmation (Yes, I’m applying my love language to this situation, don’t judge.). Words of affirmation essentially mean that I thrive off of validation. I mean, come on, who doesn’t? But some people who know this about me might make passive-aggressive comments or compliment me with a backhanded dig, knowing that I would never argue back. I would always remain mature and polite. Why? “Because you’re too nice, Taylor.“
Somewhere along the line, I developed people-pleasing and perfectionism tendencies (Killer combo, right?). I couldn’t stand to hear someone say that they don’t like me or that I did something wrong. The word “no” was not present in my vocabulary and too many “yeses” were said in too many situations that weren’t necessarily in my best interest. Honestly, I do think a lot of people are like this. However, it finally got to a point where this nice girl had had enough. I realized that I was putting too much value on others’ affirmations and that I wasn’t prioritizing or validating my own.
It’s definitely a work in progress, but I’m learning to separate my self-worth from my need to be liked by others. My self-worth is no longer based on whether I’m liked but on whether I respect and prioritize myself and my boundaries. I’ve learned that it’s okay to put our own needs first, and no, it’s not selfish or narcissistic to do so because self-worth starts with our own self-validation. In fact, it’s essential to develop a genuine sense of self to develop and cultivate friendships. I’ve let many beautiful souls into my life because of this, some of which are now my closest and best friends. I’ve even learned to speak up and ask for what I really want from things as simple as telling the waiter that they got my order wrong or as complicated as taking an opposing stance on political issues. I’ve learned to say “no” and not add “I’m sorry” after.
Please don’t get me wrong, and I can’t stress this enough, being genuinely nice is a respectful thing to do and is especially warranted in this period of time in our society. Respect and kindness are absolutely wonderful traits to cultivate. But when these traits open the door to people who use your “niceness” as a means to expose you to toxic drama or when you base your worth off of other’s validation of you, well, that’s where one must draw the line.
It also doesn’t mean you get to be rude to all those that have insulted you or have different opinions. It just means that other’s opinions are just that, their opinion, and whether it’s positive or negative doesn’t mean you need to internalize it or be validated by it. Only now in my life am I realizing this, and I’m learning to let those in who add value and limit exposure to those that suck the life out of me, simply for the sake of my own well-being. A phrase I live by and I think you should too is: “Just because you’re desired doesn’t mean you’re valued.” Let that sink in.
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