I was once challenged to stand in front of a mirror and name one thing I love about myself. I usually associate mirrors with criticism, so the concept of giving myself a compliment not only felt uncomfortable but incredibly difficult. I decided (finally) that my eyes were pretty.
After this experience, I started to notice that it wasn’t just me who felt this way. My female friends and family weren’t happy with their bodies either. In fact, I found out that most women struggle with loving themselves as they are. We’re constantly comparing ourselves to each other.
If only I had her physique.
If only I was as smart as her.
If only I was funny like her.
It’s unsurprising for people to hear that young women don’t love themselves— it’s not a new phenomenon. It becomes a larger issue, however, when the love that you give yourself is reflected in your other relationships (romantic and otherwise). If you’re constantly feeding yourself negative messages, you’re going to find those same words a lot easier to eat coming from somebody else.
If you want healthy and supporting relationships, you need to take a look at your own red flags. If you want a partner who cares about your interests, takes care of you and affirms your thoughts and ideas, you need to start asking yourself some important questions. How are you showing up for yourself? How are you taking care of yourself? How are you choosing to think and speak about yourself?
How you show up
So often, we rely on family and friends for validation and reassurance. I propose that, first and foremost, you should be your own best friend. This means that in the lineup of people you’re supporting, you come first. Seek your own approval. This can feel like a selfish thing because we’re told to be selfless. It’s almost as if no one ever finished reading The Giving Tree. In case you missed Silverstein’s memo, when you give everything you have, you end up having nothing left for anyone, including yourself. Likewise, how can you possibly expect to give others love and support if you’re only giving yourself the bare minimum?
Before you can show up for others, you need to make sure you’re showing up for yourself. Think of this as dating yourself. Set aside a time to get to know you. Go out for a cup of coffee alone and do a journal prompt or read a book.
Take the time to engage in the things that are important to you, as well as the things you’re interested in trying. If you’ve been wanting to try out an intramural sport, but are scared of going by yourself, of not knowing anyone or of being judged – go anyway! I guarantee you won’t regret it. Worst case scenario, you learn that it’s not for you and you can move on to other interests.
Something else to take into consideration is whether you’re in an environment where you can show up for yourself. Take a look at the friends you have. If you’re holding on to relationships that are no longer serving you, it might be time to let go. Thinking about your social media, how do you feel after browsing through your feed? Go through and ask yourself whether the accounts you follow are affecting how you feel. If there are certain people whose posts cause you to spiral down a hole of social comparison, unfollow them! You don’t expect a flower to grow if it’s in the wrong environment, so why would you hold a different expectation for yourself?
Taking care of your body
Care can be an ambiguous term. A lot of the time, we jump to physical care. When we think of physical care, we think of exercise. When we think of exercise, we think of cardio, most likely running. My dear reader, you do not have to waste away on a treadmill to be healthy. I’d frankly rather sell my soul. If you don’t want to run, don’t do it. Find something that you enjoy and move your body consistently. You don’t need a strict schedule at the gym five days a week. Maybe you’re not feeling a weights session one day and decide to go on a walk outside instead. Whatever it is, don’t overcomplicate it and don’t feel guilty for feeling like you’re not doing enough. You’re doing plenty! Exercise is about feeling good, capable and happy. Understand that you don’t need to move your body every day, you get to. You get to walk and jump and use your legs and arms. Be thankful for it instead of going to the gym out of spite for your body. Move out of a place of love for it instead.
How you think
This can all be tied back to the messages you tell yourself. So many people choose to believe the idle thoughts that pass through their minds. They fail to acknowledge that they don’t hold any real power other than the power you grant them by listening. You don’t have to believe something simply because it came from your mind. A thought saying that you’re not good enough doesn’t equate to the truth. This is easier to fight when you can acknowledge that you are not your thoughts. Remembering this allows you to filter through them more sensibly. Notice throughout the day how many times you think something negative about yourself and make a tally for every remark. This not only helps you to be aware of how often you have these thoughts but how much space they take up in your life. How many times did those thoughts alter your actions? What would your life look like if you began to challenge these beliefs about yourself and began to replace them with positive self-talk?
Choose to believe that they’re not true and challenge them every single time they pass through. This feels difficult and uncomfortable (I know), but when you make it a habit, you’ll begin to notice that those thoughts gradually start to drift away with less resistance and stop coming so often.
Self-love isn’t a one-stop destination. It’s a lifelong journey that’s not always uphill. I hope that you know you’re worth the trip.
Want to see more HCFSU? Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, YouTube and Pinterest!