Unfortunately, this isn’t some kind of post-Halloween trickery; the title is true. After eight fulfilling years, the JoBros have finally called it quits, just as my heart tried to do when I found out this horrible news. Rumors of a possible breakup started circling after the brothers canceled their tour just two days before its start due to a “deep rift within the band” and a “big a disagreement over their music direction.” (Can I just comment on how completely unfair it us that musicians can just cancel their job because they feel like it? What if I told my professors that I couldn’t come to class because of a “deep rift between my homework and I?” I’ll try that strategy out, and let you guys know how it goes.) The Jonas Brothers went on Good Morning America last week to confirm that the JoBros were no mo’.
While this news racks me to my very core, I think it would have hurt even more if I hadn’t thought that the Jonas Brothers had already broken up years ago. Seriously, when was their last album? 2009, if you’re not counting the soundtrack to their God-awful Disney Channel show, Jonas L.A. (which I don’t). On why they finally decided to break up, Kevin Jonas simply said, “I think it was time.” Thanks for the deeply profound insight, Kevin. It makes sense though, if you take into account the fact that Kevin was like 40 years old when they started the band. That would make him almost fifty today, so it’s not surprising that he wants to get out of the boy band business. (Okay, I just Googled it, and Kevin is actually only 25 now. Maybe it’s because Kevin as a whole reminds me of the butt end of a loaf of bread, but I really thought he was older than that. Oh well.)
Though many are blaming the split on the fact that the band hasn’t been a true competitor in the boy band industry since the rise of One Direction and that they haven’t been able to fill amphitheaters when they used to be able to sell out arenas, I’m going to give you the REAL reasons the boys split up (because who’s ever heard of a band splitting up over money issues? Preposterous.)
1. They just flat-out hate each other now. Rivalry exists between all siblings, and it’s probably even more extreme when you have to work with your siblings day-in and day-out. I still remember throwing the hissy fit of the century when I lost a game of Candy Land to my two brothers (to this day, I KNOW they cheated).
2. Married to Jonas. If you’ve ever been forced to watch this show (because you were comfy in bed and the remote was all the way across the room), then you know that this doesn’t even need an explanation. This show was so annoying and boring that it could have easily destroyed the Jonas Brothers’ careers.
3. They’re taking time off to plan out how to murder One Direction. Self-explanatory.
4. They’re taking a 11-year hiatus and are going to pop up at the 2024 VMA’s for a reunion performance, where former fans will scream their heads off while the younger generation smiles and nods while whispering to their friends, “Who are those old guys?”
Overall, I’m going to have to give the JoBro split 3 out of 5 donuts. I’m sad to see them go for good, but Kevin was right; it’s their time. Just take heart in the fact that they can never truly break up. You can’t break up with DNA.
As always, remember to tweet me (@sydschaefer) any comments or suggestions about what I should consider next week. Until next time, stay classy Tallahassee.