It’s 2 p.m. on a Monday, and I have a couple of hours to myself. Although I would define myself as quite a busy person, there are times when I have a few moments alone before launching into the next activity. In the quiet of my room, I nervously fidget with my hands as I rack my brain, enumerating all the tasks I have left to do. Even if I somehow managed to complete all my tasks for the day, I still search for things I may have forgotten or overlooked. I pick up my phone and begin scrolling through Instagram, yet I cannot help but acknowledge the feelings of guilt as I sit there doing nothing—that is, nothing productive.
Since transitioning into college, I have had what feels like a million things added to my plate. Whether that be school assignments, volunteer work or time with friends, I am constantly on the go. Though it is easy to wish for even a moment of respite during the busy days of my life, when the opportunity to slow down presents itself, I squirm with impatience. And no matter how many times I claim, “I just need a break,” I will continue to keep going and going and going. After all, there is always something I could be doing, so why wasn’t I doing it?
In my life, I have felt the overwhelming pressure to improve, progress and produce. I spurned this state of stagnancy because I did not want to seem lazy or unmotivated. I’ve heard the phrase “spend your time wisely,” so it seems that all I did was spend, spend, spend, never saving any time for proper rest.
This is when I began to realize I had made an idol out of productivity. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an idol as “an object of extreme devotion,” but it also provides another definition, which is “a false conception.” I find these meanings to be complementary when it comes to productivity. In a way, I had devoted myself to being “productive.” However, I had fallen victim to the misconception that being busy was equivalent to being productive. This idea of having to book every hour of my schedule with something led to inevitable burnout. While I may have been able to maintain this crazy schedule for a little, it was not sustainable in the long run.
After concluding that I desperately needed to find time to rest, I did just that. I tried to do all of the things Google told me to do to achieve rest. I had self-care nights, I tried journaling and I also spent time reading. Although these things can be forms of rest, I realized that all I had done was shift my focus from being busy outwardly to being busy “resting.” After all, none of these activities helped with my overall exhaustion. I felt that there had to be a “right way to rest,” and that I had to have something to show for choosing to take time off. Yet again, this was not the solution.
In a way, being idle does require work. For me, it was extremely difficult to force myself to slow down and not look for distractions in times of peace. Therefore, I began to shape what idleness looked like for me. The first challenge I faced was learning how to let my mind idle. Often, my mind was racing with thoughts of what I had yet to accomplish, future plans and “what if” scenarios that never seemed to end. To combat these thought patterns, I consciously started refocusing on the here and now. I like this practice because it does not necessarily require time to be set aside; it can be done throughout my daily routine. If all I am doing is walking to class, then that is what I will think about. I will observe the people around me, the weather or even just the route I am taking.
Naturally, my mind tends to wander and I will begin thinking about my to-do list or schedule. But, I do my best to recenter myself and come back to where I am. I like to think of my mind as a muscle; there are times when it must be put to work and there are other times when an active recovery is needed. I view the practice of mindfulness as the perfect way to actively recover from a long period of work.
When I do have the time to rest, I like to seek out activities in nature. Living in Tallahassee for the time being has exposed me to more outdoor activities, whether that be walking easy trails at Alfred B. Maclay Gardens, swimming at the Cherokee Sink or simply sitting outside on Landis Green. Many people seek out nature for quiet, but I find it to be the opposite. Once I was able to quiet my mind, I began noticing all the sounds, sights and smells of nature that surrounded me. I enjoy spending time in nature because it requires nothing of me. Although the birds and the trees and the insects may be hard at work, I don’t have to be. I can simply sit and enjoy the solace.
The most valuable lesson I have taken from this reflection is that productivity and rest go hand in hand. It is simply impossible to choose one and neglect the other. Like many things in life, it requires balance. It is not something I aim to achieve perfection in, but it is something I strive for each day—and that is enough.
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