Dear Future Kaylan,
This letter is not for you.
Sorry, no offense. I’m sure you’re great and all.
But this letter is for me. A reflection of 2021, if you will. I need living, concrete proof that I survived this absolute movie of a year. I hurt a lot. I laughed a lot. I cried too much. But hey, at least it makes for an interesting article.
Spring was for mourning. In April, I grieved the death of my father and the end of a long-term relationship. And as the cherry on top, they both happened within the same week. It was rough. Not to sound too morbid, but in a way, the girl that I was before also died that week. Everything I knew, the routines I had, the life I knew felt snatched from under me. I had to completely rebuild myself from the ground up. The best advice I’ve ever gotten, for both the loss of a loved one and for a breakup was this: “You’ve got to go through it to get over it.” There’s no way around it. There’s no magic advice, no shortcut for healing. You have to let yourself feel all the emotions before you can even begin to tackle them.
Summer was for growth. Truthfully, I had the best summer I’ve ever had in my life.
I spent a month in California. I came down to Tallahassee for the Fourth of July. I went to the beach during a hurricane. And then again, without the hurricane. I filled summer with friends and memories and stomach aches from laughter. Summer was the distraction that I needed. Summer was gentle to me. Plus, being busy was helpful. It gave me less time to think. Because when I did think, just even for a second too long, I would remember that I’m heartbroken. So, I rebuilt myself. I had to relearn the routines I once shared with someone else. I had to reteach myself how to be on my own. I had to validate my own feelings and remember that it’s okay to miss something even if it hurt me. It was so hard, yet the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. A lot of Olivia Rodrigo was played that summer. (Like a lot. I’m embarrassed about it.)
Fall was for realization. In August, I moved to college. It wasn’t a hard transition. Frankly, the timing was perfect. Unlike many, I love the city where I grew up. But I had to accept that my home gave me all there was to give, and it was time to go. When I came to Florida State University (FSU), I honestly lucked out. I fell into a truly amazing group of friends, one that I can easily say will be a part of my life for years to come. I give them all full credit for helping to make me a better person and friend.
It’s okay that I’m still hurting. I’m not afraid to admit that. ”Healing doesn’t happen in a straight line,” the talented Kacey Musgraves once said. I’m still accepting the loss of the future I thought I would have with my ex. I’m still accepting that I won’t have my dad by my side anymore. The only difference between now and before is that now I actually have the strength to recognize these feelings and tackle them accordingly.
Winter is for self-care. As the weather cools down and the holiday season starts warming up, I’ve made it a personal goal to prioritize the things and people that actually make me happy. I’m focusing on my mental health and physical health, too! With Thanksgiving and winter break coming up, I’m excited to spend some time back at home. I know it’ll feel bittersweet.
When I look back on myself from even January, I see a completely different person. I think I was more naive, in a way. I feel kinder now. Definitely more independent. Stronger. And if this is just what a year can do, I’m excited about the future. When I’m asked what I want to be when I get older, I don’t have a perfect, laid-out answer. And I’m alright with that. Because throughout everything, when it came down to it, I was okay. I’ll always be okay. And although I’m not an “everything happens for a reason” type of person, I do believe that everything I’ve been through has only made me a better person. Because if you live through something hard and don’t learn anything from it, what’s the point? You have to make lemons out of the lemonade, or something like that.
I write this letter to myself, in hope that when I double back to it when I graduate in Spring of 2025, I’ll remember what I’ve been through, and how far I’ve gone since. For the first time in my life, I’m not in a rush to grow up. I’m happy right where I am, and I’m ecstatic to meet the pleasant unknown. See you then.
With care,
Kay
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