Hi, my name is Ruth, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to have an advice column. As a 22-year-old, I sometimes feel as though I’ve had enough unique experiences and weird occurrences to last multiple lifetimes. Today, I’m providing my services to a few ~*anonymous*~ people, and if you need unbiased, sage advice from me, you can always submit your question here.
Q: I just became really great friends with this person over the past few months, but now I think I want to be more than friends. How do you know when to be friends and when to be more, and how do you know if they want the same thing?
I wish I could tell you how often I’ve heard this, in my friend groups, and in my own personal life. Unfortunately, and much to my disappointment, there is never a way to truly know what someone else thinks or how they feel unless they say it. Let me regale you with a personal story that applies to this question. A few years ago, I was friends with someone we’ll call S. S and I had a friendship that felt so secure and real that I, in a not very Ruth manner, fell hard. I’m a wildly independent person and I don’t find comfort in other people, but S was different. To make a very long story short, I never said anything about my feelings. Now, if I had said something, there would’ve been a few different outcomes:
1. I would’ve told him and the feeling was mutual, so a Hallmark ending. 2. I would’ve told him and the feeling wasn’t mutual, but it didn’t affect our friendship. 3. I would’ve told him and the feeling wasn’t mutual, but it made things uncomfortable so we took a friendship break.
The best advice I could give you is, be honest. I’ve lived and still live with that “What if?” and every so often, it really upsets me that I wasn’t brave enough to say something. Try and approach the conversation in a very neutral way, and if you’re so inclined, make sure to say that you don’t want this to be a hindrance to your friendship, you would just like to speak about your feelings.
If an ideal outcome doesn’t happen, which I absolutely hope that it will, you can always write me back and I’ll send you my favorite sad playlist and the best dairy-free ice cream brands.
Q: I’m struggling with being alone and I want to know how to be happy by myself.
You’ve come to the right place, I might as well have a Ph.D. in this subject. Think of a relationship like a very expensive luxury bag, a Birkin, if you will. Would it be nice to have a Birkin bag? Absolutely. Do you really need a Birkin bag? Probably not, unless you’re a Kardashian or Kardashian adjacent. Will a Birkin bag make you feel happy and fulfilled? Again, probably not. Maybe it’s a cause of being chronically single, but I’ve come to realize that being in a relationship may be a bit romanticized and overrated. As women, we’re taught at a young age that marriage and children should be our ultimate endgame in life. (But don’t take my word for it, listen to the monologue from Flawless by Queen Bey.) As a result, this idea that a relationship is the key to happiness and fulfillment is almost drilled into our heads. I am here to tell you that it is not. I think it’s also incredibly important to acknowledge that there’s nothing wrong with being single, and specifically, there’s nothing wrong with you. The best part of being single, because alone has a negative undertone, is the free time you have to discover yourself, and learn more about what you like and want out of life. It’s literally your time, your season to do, and explore anything you want because the better you know yourself and what you want, the more equipped you will be when it’s finally time to meet/find/match with that special person. In the meantime, have fun, go on a solo trip, start a new hobby, and you’ll see the inherent peace and fulfillment that comes from knowing yourself best.
Q: How can I deal with adjusting to living with your friends as roommates, especially during the time of COVID-19? How can I make new friends?
I think the most important part of living with other people, even if they’re friends, is setting boundaries. During COVID, this is especially important because honestly, I’d like to believe that no one willingly wants to catch COVID. Being open, honest and upfront about your expectations/boundaries is what will keep everything cool and running well. If you’re living with friends, it should be easier to say, “Hey! Let’s alternate days to vacuum the common area,” or setting up a weekly girl’s night where you can talk about anything. I think adjusting to living with people is something different in every case, but maintaining open communication is what will always save the day. For the second portion of your question, my advice is and has always been: put yourself out there. As someone who is generally about as shy as a war tank, I realize that may be a privilege, but high risk yields high reward. If you’re in any FSU club or organization with multiple group chats, it’s as easy as texting, “Hey y’all, does anyone want to grab lunch later?” or “Hey! I want to go thrifting this weekend, is anyone down to come?” I know this seems like a typical, run of the mill, response, but the easiest way to make a friend is to open yourself up to situations where you can connect with people on a personal level. It can be hard to overcome shyness or anxiety, but the promise of new friendships or a new #girllgang might just be worth taking a leap of faith for.
These are all my questions for now, stay tuned for the next episode of Getting Real With Ruth, and if you have any pressing questions, concerns or updates, drop me a line here!
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