As a freshman in college, there are a lot of things that a girl holds onto about who she is and who she wants to be. I’m 18 and ready to face the world; yet, there is something about me that could be considered a bit strange for being this young and just starting out college:
I’m engaged…
I know. Shocking. Now I promise that you are in no way behind in the game of life and love, but there are a few things that might encourage you to not give up on love just yet. The ‘big’ problem when going to college: distance.
My fiancé and I have been together for almost three and a half years. Not too big of a deal, right? A lot of couples meet in high school and click together and work for the relationship. Not uncommon.
But there’s a catch.
I am ‘Flo-grown’ born and raised a child of the sunshine state, and my fiancé has lived in Arizona for about seven or so years.
See the catch?
Whereas many parents are leery about their daughters dating in high school, and probably believe that their relationships won’t last long passed the distance of moving to college after high school graduation, that’s not always the case and that’s not my story.
My parents didn’t mind if I dated anyone through high school, they trusted the head on my shoulders. Though I was a hopeless romantic and always will be, my small hometown didn’t hold any candidates that I would want to share my life with for I had grown up believing that you date to marry, not to have a social life.
Then I had met someone new, someone from online. We started as anonymous friends, not knowing much about the other person but sharing the same interests and the same sense of humor. I didn’t know who this person was behind their screen name. To me it was casual. A friend to add to my list. I wouldn’t barge in on their life, demanding age, gender and location like many old school chat rooms, but in this new age of technology, it wasn’t uncommon to befriend someone online.
There was a day that I can remember when I had been turned down by my one candidate that lived in my hometown and I was about to throw the idea of love out the window and accept my role as a loner with 40 cats. It wasn’t the worst idea to me: I liked cats and solitude.
But a notification popped up on my phone. It was my friend. They were there with consoles. They told me that I shouldn’t give up on love, that I was one of the most caring people they knew and that it hurt them to see me ready to give up on that. They explained to me that if I could be friends with someone like them, then there would always be hope.
I let their words convince me and we exchanged kiks (yes kik, this was like three and a half years ago – kik was still relevant). It was an easy way to communicate without giving a lot away.
That was the summer that I had spent in New Hampshire with my aunt, so I guess that counts as the place that we first met. We spent many late nights talking with another, griping about life, family, and other dilemmas that high schoolers have. We were very different, but we liked a lot of the same things: Twenty-One Pilots, and Doctor Who, among other things.
It was an innocent friendship. Though I had my doubts about letting it get to my head: I didn’t know this person and a small part of me thought that this was all fake and the image I had created of this slightly more than a friend was false and I really was all alone. I never let it deter my hope that this could be real though, it was nice to have hope in something for once.
We never gave our names, for the first month or so of talking to each other, which resulted in us using pet names, to this day we still use, and the use of our actual names it almost unnatural. Eventually, I found out that I was talking to a guy, or so he said. I remember really doubting all of this because why would the perfect guy show up randomly on the other side of my screen and be everything that I looked for in a mate.
He proved very soon that he was real, with a picture of him and a paper that had his screen name on it, and an easy way to prove that it was him. Yet, I didn’t show my face; I still didn’t have full trust that this is what I wanted to do.
It was my best friend that had gotten us together. I had obviously told her about my internet friend, and she said that she shipped us, and in turn, I told him, and his response was “I will go down with this ship.” And that’s where the first day of the rest of my life began.
Telling my parents, on the other hand, was something else. It’s hard to casually mention that “oh hey mom and dad, I, your fifteen-year-old daughter, have a boyfriend who I’ve never met, and we met online nonetheless, and we really like each other and…” You get the picture. So, it took a while for me to tell them, all they knew is that he was a ‘friend.’ Now as over-baring goes, my parents were pretty high on the list, not trusting him, much less than I had even in the beginning.
But they came around, and about a year passed. I can still remember our mothers talking on the phone, and laughing when the other answered as if to solidify that our relationship existed and was true. Then plans started to be made: to meet. At almost the year mark of our relationship he flew out to Florida, to spend a week out here, and then we would fly out together back to Arizona so that I could spend time out there.
It was absolutely nerve-wracking.
Here was this guy, who I loved, and was meeting for the first time in person after staring at a screen for a year. What if I didn’t recognize him? What if he didn’t recognize me? What if he didn’t like me? What if we didn’t click as well in person as we did online?
Downing in ‘what ifs?’ inevitably we met, and they all seemed to fade away. Though it was a bit weird the first few days, having this perfect stranger in my house, spending time with me, enjoying my company, I realized that this wasn’t a stranger and that this was the guy I had fallen in love with and was the same guy on the screen as he was in person. It took some time to blur the lines between the two so that they melded to one person, but I did it and I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Taking every plane ride home alone was heartbreaking. I was leaving the arms of someone who loved me unconditionally because they wanted to, not because they were my family. It was as if a piece of me was left across the country. There were many tears and fights about the distance. A lot of asking God “why?” but it all seemed to fade with time. The more we were together and had to leave, the more the pain of leaving dulled, from a sharp stab to a dull ache. As years passed, it seemed to get easier, safe in the knowledge that we would see each other again soon.
“But wait,” You may ask. “Aren’t you still in Florida? Studying at Florida State? Is he there with you?”
All valid questions, and yes, I am still in Florida, and he is currently enrolled at Arizona State University, studying engineering.
“But shouldn’t you be planning a wedding?”
Also, a valid question.
I do have a wedding to plan, but the two of us planned on a long engagement to last through all of college when we started to entertain the idea of marriage. It’s easier if I’m being honest. I know that I have someone who loves me, no matter where I am or what I do, and I always have someone to go to if this college thing doesn’t work out. And the “what are you doing after college?” question is easy to answer: I’m getting married.
“But what about if you meet someone in college? You’re so young! Are you sure this is what you want? Don’t you want to explore?”
When we found each other, we were both pretty broken from the weight of the world around us, and as we continued in our relationship, we healed another creating an amalgamation of souls, that now is impossible to separate without leaving jagged edges and missing pieces. He is a part of who I am as I am a part of who he is. We’re a team. We fight together, side by side, through the challenges of life.
“Okay, well I’m glad you have your fairy tale ending… but how does that relate to me?”
The important thing to know is don’t settle. There is someone out there for you. And now that you may be in college or in another stage of your life, it doesn’t mean that that’s the end of your options. I found my mate across the country, thousands of miles away. So, what if your prince charming isn’t on campus with you? Or that he didn’t come from your hometown?
The thing about long-distance relationships is that one day you will be together, and the plane ticket will, one day, be a one way. And they’re a lot of work. All relationships are. It’s not harder though, it’s just a different type of work to be done.
So, don’t be afraid of long-distance relationships, and don’t end it with your lover if you have to separate for college. If you truly believe in the relationship, no amount of distance can conquer it.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give about any relationship, whether it’s long-distance or not is to be his (or her) best friend before being their girlfriend. The honeymoon phase will come and go, and if you start the relationship with a solid friendship then falling back on that is easier than falling out of love. It saves a lot of heartache too. It’s okay to be friends with your boyfriend! In fact, why wouldn’t you be? You should want to spend time with him, even if it’s casual. Not everything has to be a ‘date’ nor romantic. Hang out with each other, be best friends and leave the rest for the world to label.
All images courtesy of Kiersten Lupinek
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