Let’s face it. If you’re out to lunch with your girlfriend and she starts crying about how she just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her, you practically have no choice but to side with her. “Oh, he’s such a terrible person,” you say. “The absolute worst.” Sure, it seems as though infidelity in a relationship is caused by selfishness and a noncommittal attitude, but there are many more reasons than that. I’m not saying that cheating is good, but hear me out when I say that people who cheat are not all as terrible as we view them to be. I should know, I’ve cheated at one point or another in every relationship I’ve been in. Let me give you a glimpse into my life:
1. Fear of being Alone
Back in high school, I was always surrounded by friends. I knew everyone’s names and I wouldn’t have to worry about eating lunch alone. But these friends were superficial. We would eat together, gossip together, and even go to birthday parties together, but we never truly had an emotional connection. I never felt as if I could tell my friends if I liked someone due to a fear of being ridiculed. I never felt as if I could tell my friends my lifelong dreams because I didn’t think they would be supportive. So while I was never alone, I always felt lonely. At 17, when I first discovered how much fun dating could be, I fell in love with the act of dating rather than the person I was actually dating. I remember that I used to stay up all night telling my “official” high school boyfriend (let’s call him Anthony) about my day or what assignments I needed to do. But as soon as the call would end and the phone light would snap off, I suddenly felt immersed in darkness and loneliness once again. When I wasn’t able to talk to Anthony, I sought out other guys to get romantically involved with in order to be able to confide in them as well. Anthony was a great guy; he bought me flowers and a giant teddy bear on Valentine’s Day, he always listened to everything I had to say, and he was always ready to catch me if I fell. But of course it was impossible to keep me company all hours of the day. I filled those hours out of his sight by rotating through a cache of six other guys. Did I really like any of these guys? No, of course not. But they made me feel less alone, which made me feel less lonely.
2. Lack of Emotional Connection
I was a chronic rebounder. Even if I couldn’t stand dating someone, I would stay with them until I had someone else set up to date. Overextending the relationship caused higher tensions and more fights. I was never the type of person to pretend I liked something — or in this case someone — if I did not, so I really couldn’t act like I was happy with someone when I wasn’t. So let’s take a look at a summer boyfriend who we will call Gee. Gee was the bad boy and I was the private school good girl. He dealt drugs while I stared starry-eyed at the hill of weed that I truly didn’t think could exist in real life (I lived so far under a rock you could call me Patrick). When the law eventually caught up to members in his clique, I began to back off. College was coming up and I didn’t want to risk it. But the bad boy always had a certain pull to me. We trespassed on the L word, he was almost my first, and yet behind his back I was still looking for someone else. I liked the idea of Gee, but between the drugs casting a haze over his mind and my inability to settle, an emotional connection never really fostered between us. I began to date my next boyfriend before I made Gee break up with me. Somehow getting boyfriends to break up with me made me feel as if I was doing them a favor; they can feel as if they didn’t get dumped even though technically they did. Cheaters can have a conscience, too.
3. Distance
This has a lot to do with the fear of being alone. When I entered college, I stayed single for a bit. This really helped me figure out that being alone doesn’t mean I have to be lonely. When I finally started dating again, I met a guy who was pledging a co-ed fraternity with me. I finally made a real emotional connection with this guy, who we will call Daniel, and I couldn’t have been happier. But then summer came around, and our connection was stretched across two cities as I went home to Tampa and he stayed in Tallahassee. After tasting what it felt like to be in a relationship again, I forgot about what I had learned when I was single. I no longer felt content with being physically alone and I eventually let someone I met in Tampa pique my interest. I led this man on for a while because I didn’t want to cheat on my boyfriend, but I didn’t want to lose the possibility of finding company. Eventually (as you may have guessed), I slipped and let myself sink into this man’s arms. I would be lying if I said I didn’t pretend that this man’s arms actually belonged to Daniel. I just wanted to be held again. When I was with Daniel, I did not feel this need to cheat because I had him with me, but distance makes relationships difficult. Long distance relationships are hard, but couples can work through them with honesty. Eventually I told Daniel about what had happened, and miraculously he forgave me. I am still with Daniel to this day, and I couldn’t be happier that he continues to foster the connections we have made with one another.
4. Self-Worth
Ultimately, this was a long and drawn out glimpse into my various relationships and side-lationships, but more importantly it was a glimpse into why I always felt pulled to cheat. If you notice a common theme throughout each reason, it was that I feared being alone. For a long time I thought that quantity outweighed quality (and for me it was easier to get quantity in the short term). I always felt as if surrounding myself by people who were interested in being with me (even if only physically, for some) meant that I was wanted and was worth something. It took me a long time, and a lot of help from Daniel, to realize that my worth is fostered through more than just my body, it’s fostered by the connections that I make with people and by the way I view myself. Dating Daniel has made me realize that I can be worth more to someone than a one night affair. To him, I am worth years of both physical and emotional devotion as well as promises of what the future shall have in store for us. While I seem to have pushed this habit out of my life, it is important to realize that other people who cheat can be just like me — just looking for a way to see how valuable they truly are.