If you are reading this, then you are blissfully unaware of what is creeping up behind you….
IT’S HALLOWEEN! All Hallows Eve is fast approaching, and we Collegiettes are staying busy carving all the pumpkins and trying to figure out whether or not a sexy Trump costume is too much for this year. But we can’t forget the most important part of Halloween. This is the time where no-sugar diets and vigorous workout plans are put on the back burner because Halloween candy is making its glorious yearly comeback. And everybody knows Halloween candy is the best!
This is a definitive ranking of the best to worst Halloween candies…according to science.
To begin our classification, we of course are going to award the Kit-Kat with the top Halloween candy title. Why? Because even Kourtney Kardashian loves the Kit-Kat bar. Regardless of how deeply and utterly offended we may feel when she eats them.
Clocking in at number two is of course Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. (Another Kardashian favorite.) As far as I’m concerned, there are two types of people in this world: people who love Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and people who are wrong.
Next up are those sugar covered, hate-yourself-in-the-morning-because-you-ate-an-entire-family-sized- bag-and-now-your-mouth-is-numb, Sour Patch Kids. Sour, sweet, gone…kind of like how we hope our midterms went. Because you’re not you when you’re hungry, grab a Snickers. Whenever you’re in a mood, and bae is complaining about your sass level, blame it on the lack of chocolate, caramel and nuts in your system. It’s fool proof. Just ask Steve Buscemi.
At the risk of getting the unfortunate luck of the two yellows in one package, Starburst clearly comes next. Unless you’ve got all the luck in the world, getting that double pink blessing is an accomplishment all on its own. Can I put that on my resume?
Moving on down the list, it wouldn’t seem right without a little cameo from the Twix bar. Because who doesn’t like getting two candy bars in one package? Twice the reward for half the effort? That’s my kind of candy.
Taste the rainbow, before they melt and turn your hands sticky and multi-colored. Skittles are those little sugary devils that you can’t have just a few of. But be careful kids. I hear skittles pox is contagious.
As we get towards the bottom of the list, we approach the haven where all dad jokes go to die, the Laffy Taffy. Even if you could get off the entire wrapper off on the first try, you’d still more than likely rip the fillings right out of your teeth trying to eat this joy of a candy choice.
Even lower on the list is of course Whoppers, because who doesn’t love cracking herteeth in half? It is just an unwritten law somewhere that Whoppers are the actual worst, and your house will be egged if you decide to burden your Trick-or-Treaters with them. Sorry not sorry.
Lastly, and rightly placed so low that it had to have come straight from the depths of pure Hell, are the bane of all of our existences: candy corn. Need I say anything more?
To conclude this scientific determination of the best to worst Halloween candies, I would like issue the friendly reminder that fun sized candy, of any kind, is not, nor will it ever be, a good idea. There is absolutely nothing fun about less candy folks.
Enjoy your Talloween Colligettes, and make sure to check your candy before you eat it!