I’ve been getting really into podcasts lately. My favorite at the moment is Schnitt Talk, produced by Barstool Sports and hosted by Ellie Schnitt, whom you may know from her many viral tweets. I was listening to an episode of Schnitt Talk the other day, minding my own business when I suddenly had an epiphany. For a long time, I’ve felt like being attracted to emotionally unavailable guys was a toxic trait specific to me, but I’ve realized that the issue is bigger than me and my problems. Those of us who are (tragically) attracted to men surely know the struggle. For those of you who don’t, please never speak to me ever. (Just kidding…unless…) But, through my own experiences and after talking to my friends I realized that a lot of these guys seem to fall into certain categories. I’ve defined these guys, separating them by their specific ~style~ of emotional manipulation. I’ve also decided to rate them, just because I can.
The Patrick
Courtesy: Twitter
Patrick will contact you every time he doesn’t have a prospective love interest, but never wants to actually admit he has feelings for you. Maybe you’ve dated before, maybe you haven’t, but either way, he uses you as a sort of “filler girlfriend.” He’ll ask you for “womanly advice” on issues with his sister, he wants to vent to you and talk about deep issues that he obviously doesn’t have friends to talk to about. He probably needs to be on an anti-depressant and most definitely needs therapy. And when you confront him about using you as an emotional crutch of sorts, he’ll act like you’re crazy for thinking it meant anything. Patrick’s rating: -12/10.
The Chad
Courtesy: Variety
Chad is a mansplainer. He probably even mansplains mansplaining. He definitely thinks he’s funnier than you, but we all know men aren’t funny; they’re just clowns. He always wants to ask you about what’s on your mind and when you tell him, he has all sorts of opinions about how and why you’re wrong. He’s obnoxious and loud and seems to think his opinion is the be-all end-all of opinions. Chad’s rating: 0/10.
The William
Courtesy: Biography
William acts like your boyfriend without ever admitting he has feelings for you or making any move to commit. He is possessive and jealous and thwarts all other romantic attempts at you without reason. Maybe he even has a girlfriend but continues to make passes at you when all you want is to be left alone. He somehow pops into your life frequently, almost as if he’s keeping tabs on you. William’s rating: -12/10.
The Michael
Courtesy: GQ
Michael is a complete ghost. One minute things seem fine, the next he’s completely MIA with no explanation. He continues to view all your stories and like your Instagram photos without making an effort to communicate, then resurfaces with “sorry I ghosted you, how’s life?” Maybe it’s completely out of nowhere, maybe it’s because you posted a good selfie, but either way you’re just plain confused because it keeps happening over and over. Michael’s rating: -5/10
The Eric
Courtesy: Elite Daily
This one is probably the most confusing of all. Similar to Michael, Eric is kind of shady. You’ve hung out a few times, and you felt like it went well for both of you, but every time you’ve tried to get him to hang after that he avoids it or says he’s too busy. Instead of offering a time he isn’t busy or suggesting a different activity that he does have time for, he just leaves you hanging. He continues to want to talk to you over text or interact with you on social media, but never seems to want to hang out in person and you’re left to wonder if maybe he just likes the attention you give him. Eric’s rating: -7/10.
Most of these types of men (*cough* boys) simply seem to be suffering from a case of Severe Immaturity. If you’ve happened to find the rare mature college guy, never let him go. But if, like me, you’ve pretty much consistently hit the jackpot on the lottery of emotionally unavailable men who don’t seem to realize how out of their league you are, please block him. Save yourself a little bit of heartache and realize how much better you deserve. Overall, I think maybe we’re all better off waiting until that frontal lobe develops at the ripe age of 25. Stay safe out there, ladies.
Want to see more HCFSU? Be sure to like us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest!