Stage 1: 7 o’clock. Receive a group text from your girlfriends where Becky is complaining that her boyfriend just broke up with her, Samantha can’t get over the hot new bartender at Clyde’s, and Jen just bought a killer pair of wedges that just need to make their debut on the slippery, alcohol-flooded floors.
Stage 2: 8 o’clock. Finally put down the remote and decide that Netflix and the new episode of House of Cards can wait until tomorrow morning when your hangover gets the best of you. Hop in the shower so your friends aren’t waiting on you – after all, you heard Cinderella smelled like soap (probably because she was washing the floors, but whatevs, right?).
Stage 3: 9 o’clock. You’re running late regardless, so in your last attempts to finish blow-drying your hair, you’re simultaneously pouring shots of vodka and blasting Blank Space. Talk about a pre-game.
Stage 4: 10 o’clock. There’s knocking on your door, but not for very long because you left it unlocked so you could finish applying the last coat of lipstick in peace. Jen is trying to find the best lighting for her selfie and Sam and Becky found themselves a drink or two deep in your liquor stash. You finally come to greet them, but by then you’re tripping over your own feet, and decide that sandals are the way to go tonight. Goodbye 4 extra inches, hello short guys.
Stage 5: 11 o’clock. You swear you called the cab like 30 minutes ago; why isn’t he here already? Oh, wait, he texted me he’s one mile away. Becky, seriously, you haven’t finished that yet? Put it in a Gordo’s cup and let’s go! You’re the last to leave your apartment because you have to lock up, so you’re stuck sitting shotgun and footing the bill because Becky, Sam, and Jen don’t have change for the cab.
Source: Strip Entertainment Group
Stage 6: 11:30 PM. FINALLY. You’ve arrived at the bar, and you can’t believe how long the line is. Do you know anybody, like the bouncer, or that hot guy up front? You think you see your sister’s little; let’s just jump in with her! SWEET, you didn’t get ID’d! So glad you still had your happy hour band on. Hashtag blessed.
Stage 7: Midnight. Jen’s wedges are killing her – can you say the next cinder-hella ratchet? Finally made it to the bar counter and ordered your first round of drinks. Sam’s so preoccupied making googley eyes at the bartender and doesn’t even notice that some guy spilled his entire whiskey coke down her backside. Come to find out, that’s your top you let her borrow like two weeks ago. She can keep it. Ew.
Stage 8: 1 AM. Honestly, the DJ has had better days. You order a few more drinks and find yourself mid-make out with a true-life 4 and a drunk 8. It’s cool though, because your friends don’t let him take you out of their sight. It’s getting really hot in here, and you push your way through the crowd, wait 20 minutes in line, and break the seal. What a relief.
Stage 9: 2 AM. You are literally booking it for the door, hand-in-hand with your girlfriends because you wouldn’t be caught dead in that terrible lighting where you can tell you’ve been sweating for the last 3 hours. You snag a taxi and just take the dirty looks from all the other bar-goers one at time. It’s not your fault that you’re faster than them, right? DRIVER, TO JIMMY JOHN’S.
Stage 10: 3 AM. You pretty much just inhaled your sandwich and a gallon of water. You take off your shoes and check all social media. You can’t believe Sam just tagged you in that. Who is texting you at this hour? Oh yeah, that guy from the bar.
Stage 11: God knows what time it is? Nothing good ever happens after 3 AM Tally time. You look in the mirror, find yourself resembling a raccoon, and quickly fix yourself up because your ride is here. You just set yourself up with some rando, but it’s ok because Drunk You loves new people.
Stage 12: The morning after. You wake up in a bed that is NOT yours, and group text Becky, Sam, and Jen telling them that you need a ride out of there ASAP. Becky swings by to get you and you’re covering your face with one hand and holding your clothes with another. Yeah, you stole his shirt; it’s comfier than last night’s mini dress. You lament about how not on point your Snapchat game was. Ugh. You are never drinking again!
“Wait, what’re we doing tonight?”