10 Reactions to Halloween Horror Nights 26 As Told By Parks and Rec

Due to unforeseen circumstances I ended up attending Halloween Horror Nights for the first (and probably only) time on October 13th, 2016. It is important to note that I do not pay to be scared. Ever. Of the three codes I live by in life, not paying to be scared/uncomfortable/in pain is paramount (along with 2. There is always room for tea and pie, and 3. Don’t be a jerk). However, since I got a so-called “free” (in the form of dollars, not emotional trauma) ride to this thing I decided that I might as well since I will most likely NEVER do this again (there is like a 2% chance that I will - only because the 1950s scare-zone was amazing).

Below is a short series of my reactions to the scariest place on earth, which I am quickly repressing, as well as scores out of ten for every haunted house (NINE OF THE WORST PLACES ON EARTH).

*Never forget: I did this for journalism.

Reactions via Parks and Rec because that is the only way I could do this without serious PTSD:

1. The Universal employees who are super happy when they welcome you but are basically saying:

Courtesy: Tenor


2. Trying to run to the exit two minutes after walking inside

Courtesy: Tumblr


3. Friends texting me telling me that it is “not-that-scary” and that I’ll “survive”

Courtesy: Popsugar


4. Coming out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre House like

Courtesy: Tumblr


5. When my sister bought me a jello-shot blood bag after the 1st house. Thank you, sister and…

Courtesy: Tumblr


6. Talking to the woman working in Ollivander’s and trying to see if she will let me claim sanctuary under her desk

Courtesy: UPROXX


7. My response to when my sister asked if I was having fun after coming out of every house

Courtesy: Tumblr


8. When she asked which we should do first the kinda scary one (Tomb of the Ancients) or the really scary one (Halloween) and I pretended not to care and so she picked Halloween

Courtesy: Tumblr


9. When my sister told me the ancient secrets of HHN – make contact and they won’t come after you.

Courtesy: Buzzfeed


10. Walking down an entire street of Chainsaw-wielding lunatics and not getting scared

Courtesy: Giphy


Haunted House Scores: 

(Via Chainsaws)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Score: 8/10 Chainsaws

The Walking Dead

Score: 6/10 Zombies Trying to Eat Your Face Off

Ghost Town

Score: 3/10 Gold Teeth


Score 4/10 Chef’s Knives

Tomb of the Ancients

Score 5/10 Dung Beetles

The Exorcist

Score: 9/10 Spinning Heads


Score: 7/10 Demonic Gingerbread Men

American Horror Story

Score: 9/10 Jessica Langes

Lunatics Playground 3D

Score: 8/10 Airplane Puke Bags