10 Reactions to Halloween Horror Nights 26 As Told By Parks and Rec

Due to unforeseen circumstances I ended up attending Halloween Horror Nights for the first (and probably only) time on October 13th, 2016. It is important to note that I do not pay to be scared. Ever. Of the three codes I live by in life, not paying to be scared/uncomfortable/in pain is paramount (along with 2. There is always room for tea and pie, and 3. Don’t be a jerk). However, since I got a so-called “free” (in the form of dollars, not emotional trauma) ride to this thing I decided that I might as well since I will most likely NEVER do this again (there is like a 2% chance that I will – only because the 1950s scare-zone was amazing).

Below is a short series of my reactions to the scariest place on earth, which I am quickly repressing, as well as scores out of ten for every haunted house (NINE OF THE WORST PLACES ON EARTH).

*Never forget: I did this for journalism.

Reactions via Parks and Rec because that is the only way I could do this without serious PTSD:

1. The Universal employees who are super happy when they welcome you but are basically saying:

2. Trying to run to the exit two minutes after walking inside

3. Friends texting me telling me that it is “not-that-scary” and that I’ll “survive”

4. Coming out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre House like

5. When my sister bought me a jello-shot blood bag after the 1st house. Thank you, sister and…

6. Talking to the woman working in Ollivander’s and trying to see if she will let me claim sanctuary under her desk

7. My response to when my sister asked if I was having fun after coming out of every house

8. When she asked which we should do first the kinda scary one (Tomb of the Ancients) or the really scary one (Halloween) and I pretended not to care and so she picked Halloween

9. When my sister told me the ancient secrets of HHN – make contact and they won’t come after you.

10. Walking down an entire street of Chainsaw-wielding lunatics and not getting scared

Haunted House Scores: 

(Via Chainsaws)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Score: 8/10 Chainsaws

The Walking Dead

Score: 6/10 Zombies Trying to Eat Your Face Off

Ghost Town

Score: 3/10 Gold Teeth

Halloween

Score 4/10 Chef’s Knives

Tomb of the Ancients

Score 5/10 Dung Beetles

The Exorcist

Score: 9/10 Spinning Heads

Krampus

Score: 7/10 Demonic Gingerbread Men

American Horror Story

Score: 9/10 Jessica Langes

Lunatics Playground 3D

Score: 8/10 Airplane Puke Bags  

• halloween
• halloween horror nights
• orlando
• theme parks
• Universal Studios