Dear Happiness

I have been journaling ever since I was in the 5th grade and sometimes I look back and reflect on my old entries. I have three journals filled with entries and this excerpt is from my second journal that I filled in high school. 

 

April 26, 2017 

Dear Happiness, 

It’s been awhile since I’ve heard from you and I was just wondering where you’ve been these past few years. You’re very popular, everyone talks about you all the time. I miss you. You used to stop in for a visit almost every day. Why did you stop coming? I know you’re still around because I can see you in my friend’s eyes. So why did you stop visiting? Did it become too much work? Was it too hard for you to stay? If that’s the case, then I’m sorry. I’m sorry for this uncontrollable invisible barrier that seems to separate you from me. I’m sorry for trying to reach you through alcohol and drugs. It just makes me jealous when I see you dancing in others’ eyes while mine are left gray and empty. 

Sincerely, 

An Old Friend 

 

I’m now 18, but I was 16 when I wrote this, and I can tell from this entry and reading ones after it, I was struggling so much. When writing this I felt empty, alone, hopeless and my mental illnesses were eating me alive to the point where it was hard to function. But now I’m in college and I couldn’t have ever imagined making it this far in life. And not only am I in college, but I’m overcoming some of the biggest obstacles I have faced even before that entry in 2017. Now I’m always socializing with my friends and boyfriend, I’m going to the gym, I’m keeping my dorm clean (usually), doing well in my classes and above all just trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. That being said it doesn’t mean I don’t still struggle with things I’ve grappled with for years. Every day is a battle and sometimes I do fall down, but I have learned to pick myself up again and try to take care of myself even if that simply means getting out of bed that day; that’s a win. Happiness is never going to come and stay with anyone forever and ever, often times it’s fleeting, but once I started appreciating the little victories in my day, tried my hardest, and surrounded myself with people that brighten my day, happiness didn’t feel so far away.