Everyone wants to feel wanted – it’s human nature. Whether it’s being included in a conversation at the dinner table or someone checking up on you when you weren’t feeling so great, the feeling of being truly desired is something that everyone hopes to experience in their friendships and relationships.
However, the dilemma of openly communicating my wants and needs as opposed to someone putting in the extra effort to learn things about me is a battle I face everyday. Someone remembering the tiniest detail about me – whether it’s something I casually mentioned in a conversation or a behaviour they observed – is a subtle confession that they appreciate me, respect me, and wish to keep me in their lives. Remembering is the most intimate thing you could do to show that you value me in your life.
THE ETERNAL QUESTION OF WHY
However, with certain people, as I frantically spill my guts about my hopes, fears and dreams, a prickling feeling of shame and embarrassment takes over me. I want them to ask me questions that invite answers, but here I am, exposing my innermost thoughts and feelings in the hopes that they would care to strike a conversation back with me.
This begs the question – Why do we invest so much time and energy into relationships that don’t give back? Why do we want to be wanted by those who clearly don’t consider us in the same regard? What happens when open communication is in fact the final straw that breaks the camel’s back, especially when dealing with avoidant people? As someone who constantly falls into a vicious trap of giving people one too many chances, I have a number of reasons.
THE ILLUSION OF A SECOND CHANCE
Firstly, let’s look at a friendship or relationship that looked too good to be true at the start. I’ve come to realise that letting go of things that bother you, in the hopes that they would eventually change is sometimes a surefire way to set yourself up for disappointment. We often think that this behaviour is just a phase, but there’s only so much disrespect and inconsideration that someone can put up with over and over again before finally giving up.
Secondly, one sided reciprocation. We realise a little too late that those texts, calls and efforts that kept the relationship going was only because it was all one way. The moment it stops from your side, it all begins to fall apart. As hard as this is to witness and experience, everyone deserves a friendship or relationship where their needs and wants are considered just as much as they do for the other person. The exhaustion that comes with giving someone your all while receiving breadcrumbs in return is a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone. However, it’s a wake up call for you to realise that you have so much love inside you that deserves to be given to the right people.
the last straw
We blame ourselves for the unread, seenzoned messages, the empty conversations, and believing in the promise of a new tomorrow. However, it’s okay to acknowledge the fact that at some point, the friendship or relationship has run its course, and despite your best efforts you cannot revive it. While it’s natural to blame ourselves, it’s important to remember that the other person had an equal opportunity to reach out in order to fix things.
To quote Taylor Swift, “love’s never lost when perspective is earned”. The relationship is meaningful regardless of whether it lasts forever. Some of my fondest memories lie within broken friendships, relationships and people who I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. I reserve those separately in my head with a tinge of bittersweetness. While I wished things would have been different, I will always be grateful for those experiences.
Takeaway
Yes, it’s sometimes embarrassing to feel this way. The desperate need for closure to the point where it drives you insane. To reminisce moments with people who have long forgotten us, to be wanted by people who never wanted you, even when things were at their best. But I’m slowly learning to accept that holding back my feelings to seemingly get even is not who I am, because I know that expressing my love and desires is the most vulnerable way to show that I care. Changing a fundamental aspect of my personality to appease someone will never be me.
Here’s to loving loudly and caring a little too much. Because with the right people, it will never be considered that way. My final act of love is to let go with peace and wish well for the other person. May we all find people who appreciate and value us just as much as we do for others.