It’s easy to forget how lucky we are to be surrounded by relationships we love and care for, and it’s just as easy to take it all for granted. In the very beginning, a letter every few months was more than enough to know that they cared for you too. Now, a phone call or a text makes you feel thought of. The small efforts become so normal that we forget what it’s like to not have them, and as more people show off the best parts of their relationships, our standards are getting higher and higher.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
My social media is filled with people showcasing the love they have for each other. Traveling from the other side of the country after years of being apart, throwing a whole party to celebrate their friend getting into their dream college or law school or getting a job, even knowing exactly what movie to play to make their partner feel better. We all know that social media only shows people’s highs, you rarely find someone publicly displaying the deepest of trenches in their life. But we forget this. We form this idea that everyone has the most perfect relationship, that they’re the happiest they’ve ever been, and of course we want that for ourselves. But do we stop to question how much truth there actually is to it?
“If they wanted to, they would.” One of the most dangerous pieces of relationship advice. I’ve seen it being thrown around on social media over the past few years and I’ve rarely seen it being used right. If they wanted to brighten your day, they would or if they wanted to make you feel loved, they would. Instead, I see a lot of ‘If they wanted to take me on a trip to Europe, they would’. ‘If they wanted to take me to my favorite childhood restaurant for my birthday, they would’. And if they don’t, they’re not good enough. We expect people to know exactly what we want and do the absolute most because everyone else’s friends and partners seem to. We never see people online talking about their friend just giving them a simple call to check in, or a partner asking “What would make you feel better?”. Because of this, we forget some of the most important parts of a relationship.
Talk it out
I used to get upset when my friends didn’t notice that I was in a bad place. They wouldn’t notice what I thought were obvious signs. But the second I got the courage to tell them what I needed, they did whatever they could to help me through it.
We’re forgetting the art of communication. We want everyone to intrinsically know everything about us without putting in the effort, but valuable relationships are built, not found. Having conversations about everything and nothing to learn about the other person forms the basis of every relationship. That’s the best part about meeting new people and finding new perspectives. Learn what they like to do, what makes them happy, what makes them feel safe. Everyone is different. One friend might want to just sit in silence when they’re down but another might need you to get them out of the house. You might feel loved when you get flowers but your partner expresses love by cooking for you. Putting in the effort to learn these things about each other and remember them keeps a relationship alive. If they wanted to, they would remember.
it’s too much
The hardest part about coming to college was leaving my friends, both physically and emotionally. Not only do I not get to see them everyday, but our lives have become so separate from one another that we barely have time to catch up. I see videos of people booking last minute flights to be there for their friends. I was upset at first because I thought about how my friends wouldn’t do that for me. Then I realized that it would be difficult for me to do that for them as well. I can’t expect them to pay those prices and take those days off for me, and I wouldn’t want them to either. Even though I want it, I don’t want them to sacrifice so much. So when I need them, I’ve learned to appreciate the calls and the texts because those have just as much thought behind them, but less sacrifice.
We have to recognize the privilege certain people have to be there for their friends in such a way. But seeing it so often makes us place that as the standard and we lose appreciation for the little things that are just as valuable.
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Social media has made people view relationships as a checklist where everything needs to be checked. But the beauty lies in the journey to achieve a full checklist, one that is unlikely to ever be achieved.