It’s 11 PM on a Sunday. You are staring down a high-stakes multi-thousand-word last minute essay: the socio-economic analysis of canine biological waste (i.e., dog poop). It’s worth a stomach-churning 30% of your final grade (because, frankly, this is precisely what your father thinks you study). The good news? You have approximately 12 hours left. The bad news? The only thing you’ve successfully synthesised this week is a crippling sense of inadequacy and procrastination.
So, here we are. You’re desperate enough to be thinking about it- that AI voice whispering sweet, plagiarized nothings into your ears. Using it now is like trying to fix a sinking ship with an iceberg. you will be detected, it will be humiliating, and, most significantly, it will not be funny. Furthermore, depending on AI to write your entire paper is another nail in the coffin towards your future success. It’s turning your human brain into mush, and it’s using the earth’s resources rapidly just so you can write a slightly more awkward sentence and then spend even more time unsuccessfully trying to humanise it.
We are doing this the hard way: with terror, self-loathing, and some sort of caffeine-fuelled genius. The clock is ticking. The singular path to success is to engage in a comprehensive campaign of psychological manipulation against your own brain.
Here are 40 tips to write a last minute essay without ruining your brain, or the environment (the bonus is a playlist of songs that have supported me through my own writing process. You’re welcome!)
- If You Wannabe A Good Essay, You Gotta Get With My Fonts: Switch to Garamond or Palatino. It instantly looks like you have your life together.
- If This Was A Movie: Put on a five-hour instrumental movie score, and put it on loop (like Inception or The Namesake, whatever works for you). The dramatic music tricks your brain into believing the essay is a scene and you are the main character.
- Never Gonna Give You Up: Do not start at the introduction. Start at the easiest body paragraph. The introduction is a trap, just like the rick roll. Don’t fall for it.
- Oops!… I did it again: Lie to your mind and type the same thing three times. Choose the best option, and let the rage fuel you on.
- I Want To Break Free: Drag the icons for ChatGPT, Gemini, and all other crutches into the bin. They really are just going to make it much worse, and reduce any sense of gratification you have.
- Blinding Lights: Your eyes may scream at you but switch your docs app to light mode and let it attack you. It will force you to keep staring.
- Closing Time: Download a site-blocking extension. Outsourcing control is easier than self-control.
- All I Ask Of You: Jot down arguments on paper to trick your brain into working faster.
- Move Your Feet: If you freeze, then move. The change of physical location really helps. If you can’t think at the desk, take your phone and pace around. (Not those with motion sickness)
- Ice Ice Baby: When you hit the wall, take a three-minute, viciously cold shower. The trauma is a temporary cure for procrastination.
- It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine): Affix a note to your monitor declaring, “CEASE THE DELUSION. This is 30% of your future.” Sometimes freaking yourself out can put things in perspective.
- Born This Way: Commit to writing the ugliest, most hideous draft possible. Focus on volume for now.
- Therefore I Am: Manually write out the full citation for every source you might possibly use, and write the shortened in-text citations. It feels like productive time travel, and you can copy paste it within the body of your essay.
- Under Pressure: Sit on anything unstable (yoga ball, folding chair, weird ). The physical discomfort keeps the fight-or-flight response elevated.
- Look What You Made Me Do: Every paragraph must start with a transition that clearly divides your rambling (Furthermore, it is compelling to note that…).
- Fix You: As you write, tag all sources with CITE HERE in bright red. You can always go back to fix it later.
- I Knew You Were Trouble: Mention the opposite side, then immediately destroy it if you are having trouble cooking up your own arguments.
- Say My Name And Everything Just Stops: Use the full, long, impressive name of every source or author repeatedly for credibility and word count. Keep citing their arguments.
- Partition: Create 10 aggressive subheadings in your document. You are now writing ten short, manageable sections.
- Time After Time: Work for 25 minutes, but a five-minute break is only allowed if you hit a tiny, pre-set word count and the required quality.
- Say Something, I’m (Not) Giving Up On You: Define every single term in its own short, authoritative sentence. It adds to your word count, and it also helps with clarity whilst reading.
- The Sound of Silence: Turn off all the background music at some point and just stare at the screen for two minutes. This shock tactic forces focus.
- Fast Car: When you find a promising source, only read the abstract and the conclusion, and then Ctrl F for keywords.
- Counting Stars: If you use a number, write it out (e.g., ’19’ becomes ‘nineteen’). This helps with the word count.
- Thank U, Next: Move on if you’re stuck. You can always go back to it when the eureka moment comes.
- I’m Still Standing: If you hit a mental block, stand up and work at the table. The physical discomfort prevents comfort-procrastination and forces your brain to work again.
- Just Give Me a Reason: Write out the single, most persuasive thesis sentence of your argument on a sticky note and post it above the screen.When you feel lost, you demand that single reason to continue writing.
- The Life Of A Showgirl: Read the previous paragraph out loud in a terrible, embarrassing accent (British, robot, whatever). You can also use this technique for trying to understand a source.
- Bad Romance: Listen to your most hated, repetitive, annoying song on repeat until you finish a single paragraph.
- Smells Like Teen Spirit: Smear a tiny dab of Vicks VapoRub (or similarly aggressive scent) right below your nostrils to force hyper-alertness.
- Go Go Juice: A little pick me up drink always helps when you are at the brink of a crash-out. It can be coffee, or juice (even of the Go-Go kind, if that works for you!)
- One Thing: Cite one source per argument in text, from your already-made bibliography. This ensures every claim has the required backing.
- Viva La Vida: Write with the delusional grandeur of a fallen monarch reflecting on the empire. Write as if historians will quote you centuries later. Delusion is the solution.
- Hips Don’t Lie: If your legs start shaking uncontrollably, stand up. It’s begging for blood circulation. Listen to your body.
- Déjà Vu: Copy your first paragraph and paste it at the end, rephrasing it slightly. Boom, circular structure, coherent conclusion.
- No Tears Left to Cry: Once you hit the breakdown stage, harness the despair. Crying is hydration for the soul, so let it out. Then keep typing.
- Don’t Stop Me Now: If you reach the delirious zone where fatigue becomes euphoria, then congratulations. You’re in the final leg of it. Edit ruthlessly, but trust your instincts.
- Call Me When You Break Up: Break the huge paragraphs down into relatively even sized ones, cook up quick topic sentences and transitional sentences for them.
- The Final Countdown: At your last 15 minutes, stop everything and format like your life depends on it, because it does. Good formatting can save an essay.
- We Are The Champions: Submit the paper. Immediately log off, switch off the lights, and go to bed. Enjoy the peaceful slumber, because you, and only YOU, deserve it!
You’ve got this. Now, click off this tab and start writing!
