Relationships, as we all are aware, are a big responsibility and tend to be difficult. As beautiful as they might be, relationships require a lot of time, effort, communication, mutual respect, and finally…boundaries. Oftentimes, we may not see eye to eye with our partners or seem to reach a mutual agreement on a certain subject or matter. Fights along the course of your relationships are normal at the end of the day and periods of difficulty are oftentimes inevitable.
As factual as this may be, we tend to become too involved in our relationships to notice the signs and red flags which help us realize that the relationship is either healthy or toxic. Whether it is that you’re unconsciously pushing these signs to the side, or it is that you simply don’t know to recognize certain patterns or behaviors, determining the true quality of our relationships is important.
Now, before I begin to speak about the signs of an unhealthy relationship, I want to make everybody realize the true meaning behind the word “toxic” and how it’s been overused and used to describe situations to which it doesn’t apply. Toxicity is not something that should be romanticized. Toxic partners are unstable individuals and bring you down with criticism and abuse. Whether this is emotional, mental, or physical. People who are toxic tend to not feel comfortable or happy in their interpersonal relationships, no matter how much you may give them.
If you find yourself in a situation like this, please know you’re not alone. There is always somebody out there to open up to and who is willing to listen and help.
NO TRUST
Ever heard the phrase that without trust there’s nothing?
Partners are typically supposed to feel like your best friend. Somebody who you can call to spill out all your problems and lean on when you most need it. They’re supposed to make you feel comfortable and that they have your back in situations where you may need somebody to talk to. Vulnerability plays a part as you give each other a part of yourselves that nobody else has. And when this trust is broken, it’s as if everything you’ve managed to build with your partner suddenly comes tumbling down.
Trust is something that takes effort and time to build up, and something which can collapse down in the snap of a finger. And when I talk about trust, I don’t just mean fidelity. I’m talking about having faith in your partner to act in accordance with your relationship’s agreements. It’s very difficult to work on this sense of security after it has been destroyed.
If you ever find that your partner may be constantly questioning or accusing you of doing certain things, you may be dealing with a person who lacks a lot of trust in you. Ask yourself, why? Did you do anything to break your partner’s trust? If not, you may have to question why your partner may be demonstrating these behaviors.
UNHEALTHY COMMUNICATION
Any form of communication that doesn’t involve sitting down like adults and talking things out while maintaining a mutual amount of respect, tends to demonstrate an unhealthy habit in your relationship. If you feel a certain emotion towards your partner and communicate that in a calm, non-accusive way and your partner still becomes hostile or aggressive, this may show that he or she is just not emotionally mature and is displaying tendencies that can be considered toxic.
Anything that includes:
• Name-calling
• Threatening to break up
• Pinpointing you with blame statements
• Listening to your partner only to respond and not to hear them out
• Interrupting constantly when your partner is speaking
• Breaking or throwing objects
Hostile arguments like these may cause further mistrust, tension, and resentment toward your partner. It gives your partner the sense that they’re being belittled and fought against. Then, the problem isn’t you versus your partner. It’s you both versus the issue. This occurs when one or both partners lack the emotional maturation to have open communication and not let situations get out of control.
POSSESSIVENESS
I’ll always remember something my aunt told me. She said: “Don’t confuse possessiveness for love”.
Even after a whole year, this phrase stuck with me. And I’m gonna get deep really quick with whoever may be reading this: I used to believe that being gaslighted out of an outing was love. Once upon a time, I was convinced that being emotionally manipulated into not wearing a certain outfit was because my partner truly cared about me. Being called “crazy” became the norm. I believed for a while that them telling me what THEY thought was right without giving me the light of day to speak and give my own opinion, was love.
And one day, I finally took off those rose-colored glasses and realized that I really wasn’t doing anything wrong at all. It may be difficult to see the signs of possessiveness as they may be either direct or really subtle. Luckily, I’m here to help you out.
Here are what controlling behaviors may look like:
• Secluding you
• Required to know your every step
• Having to access all your social networks
• Controlling where you go or who you hang out with
• Accusations
It is OK for you or a partner to feel uncomfortable about certain situations. Maybe you’re nervous that your boyfriend is going to a party without you. Or maybe you saw something on his or her phone that you weren’t in accordance with. It is healthy to voice and communicate your concerns and emotions, as that’s where this trust and ability to be vulnerable comes into play. But once a partner begins to weaponize the relationship or makes you feel bad for an outing you went to with your friends or an outfit that you wore, it stops becoming normal and begins to turn possessive.
TAKING TOO MUCH THAN WHAT YOU’RE GIVING
Have you ever felt that in a relationship, you were the one striving to fulfill the demands of the other while the other ignored your own? Did you ever feel like you were trying so hard to make your partner happy but never got these efforts reciprocated?
Relationships shouldn’t consistently revolve around what makes one of you happy. It should be about what makes BOTH of you happy. Putting in 100% on both ends ensures a sealed deal and a healthier relationship. Once you find yourself in a one-sided relationship, this typically says a lot about the other person and the little effort they may be putting in on their part. There is no good in giving without receiving. You are going to get very little out of a partner who rarely moves a finger.
Practice being uncomfortable. Practice setting boundaries and letting your partner know what irks you and what doesn’t. Take a step back and focus on the goal.
Both partners should be willing to sacrifice a big part of themselves for each other. One should not feel as if all their efforts are going to waste.
And if you find yourself in a constant loop of asking your partner to change or better his behaviors and seeing zero change, then there may be a couple of questions you have to ask yourself: Is it worth it? If it’s not making you happy, then why are you still considering the relationship?
Reconsider the things you need and determine whether the partner you have been meeting these basic expectations.
See your relationship as a balance weighing scale. Keep both sides with the same amount of weight to keep both sides at the same level and to keep the scale in equilibrium. And once you see there’s too little or too much weight on either side, strive to always keep them balanced.
