On October 9th, it was my aunt Barbara’s birthday. It hasn’t been a year since she passed and yet, it seems as if it only happened yesterday. Not my aunt by blood, but by marriage (her brother married my mother’s sister), and yet the love was the same. Every Christmas, it was an amazing gift that would leave you speechless or just thankful to have someone like her in your life. The same went for my Grandpa Bob (Robert Malloway), he never missed a holiday or birthday. He saved every newspaper article I wrote. Even on his death bed he reminded my grandma not to forget about our Christmas gifts, he passed away right after Thanksgiving in 2016. My Abuelo Jorge made the best pork, he was the toughest man I know, yet his family was his greatest weakness. Even though it’s been 6 years since his death, we still remember everything he’s done for us, from buying a rolling book bag once just because he thought it was better for me, to buying me the quince dress of my dreams, or sometimes it was just the simple things like giving you a dollar for a chocolate bar.
It’s not easy to forget those that have done so much for you in your life, and in many ways, you can never forget about how they’ve made you feel. Even though it seems as if they’ve passed a few minutes ago, I know how long it’s been, and yet those angry, sad, bitter feelings remain, even if it’s been six years.
I’ve learned to accept the loss. I will be real with you; I was angry at the world for a long time. Always wondering why the world chose my loved ones, and why I was the one that was left with a gaping hole in my heart. I’ve learned that unfortunately death is part of life. I had to sing the circle of life song about 13 times a day for the message to sink in. I had to stop thinking, Why me? Why them? and start thinking: Okay, they’re gone but they’re not gone gone. They’re still here just in a different way. They’re never forgotten, there will be moments when you think about something they would appreciate or love, or just a funny story about them. As silly as it might sound, I like to think of this as them telling us, Hey I am here.
I’ve learned to live in the present. I can’t go back in time and change going out with friends versus hanging out with my grandpa, but I can take the time and lesson and spend time with my family now. Being hung up in the past won’t help you make new memories or enjoy the present. The best thing I can say is, enjoy every minute you have now and make it count.
I’ve stopped blaming myself and the world. It’s not my fault and it never will be. Nothing I could have said or done would have changed the way life works, and it’s not okay to keep thinking I can. The day my Abuelo passed away, his goddaughter gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I was upset that life would work out that way, and blamed the world for thinking that one of the most important people in my life was a sort of joke to be toyed with. But life is a funny thing and has a very peculiar way of working out. I had to start taking little moments of joy and start accepting them. That was how I learned to stop blaming myself and life.
I started to live life. (Ironically) I had to stop letting the loss hold me back from doing the things I wanted. Instead of saying no to everything I wanted to try, I started to say yes. I went out and did things I was too scared to do normally. I had to start think life is too short to not try new things, not go on new adventures, not living life the way it’s meant to be.
When I look back it feels only yesterday they were right there for a moment. One moment in time, some random point in time that you didn’t get to appreciate. I’d give anything to go back in time just to see one of them, smiling, laughing, loving. If I had the chance I would go back, just to give them one look and say “thank you and I love you”.
-Kaylin