Is It Too Much to Ask?
I ask for intimacy, you give me arrogance
I ask for honesty, you give me ignorance
I stay to see the best in you only to find out that you were at your best.
I tell you I love you looking at your dense eyes
You tell me you hate me not with your words
But with those same dense eyes, you give me
I’ve accepted those words that have now become a part of me like a playlist that rewinds
In my head daily.
August 2020
” How can you love someone that does not show any love?
How can you care for someone who is comfortable with hurting you?
You set me up. The setup was the idea of fantasizing about you and me.
The comfort of not knowing happiness with you.
The moment of knowing your happiness has been interrogated by me.
What makes you truly happy?
Who and what brings the best out of you?”
January 2022
“I have a heart and give it to the wrong people. My heart is torn to pieces. Each piece of me has been missing for years. The number of people I have come across took a part of me. It’s hard to know who I am at this moment. If every person took a piece of me, then who do I identify myself as?
Instead of it being for the moment. I allowed it to be a part of me. You felt right for more than a moment, Well so I thought.”
- “You’re rare. Be aware of the people who fall in love with the idea of having you but lack the capacity to treat you as such because they’re not used to rare.” -Marcos Alvarado
I have learned what becoming and being infatuated is. It is intense when you rely on someone to fill a void that you have been wanting to escape for years. My concept of dating is limited because of the limited experiences I have encountered with people. I became infatuated with those I cared for. Of course, being an infatuated person resonated with the idea of “obsession,” but I never thought that of myself. I considered myself very passionate and kind-hearted, but the notion of being love-struck has been one-sided. As an “infatuated teen” everything that happened felt like a lifetime from happy moments to having heartache.
I still am recovering from this heartache that happened years ago, but I am growing…I am learning.
You see that is the first step: ‘Learning from everything.’ I never understood that at first because I was consumed with an idea of the “What If’s” and “Why’s,” in a relationship that will not last. I never took time out to think about why I became infatuated in the first place.
Did it come from a place of genuine ‘true‘ love? Did it have anything to deal with my childhood? Or did I want someone now because I didn’t see much for myself without them?
After a severe heartache from a one-sided relationship, I soon realized, I started too young. I did not know myself yet. I did not want to know myself because I had ‘this person’ to fulfill that void for me. Being ‘infatuated’ with someone else was rooted in a place of self-hatred and a lack of confidence within myself. It came from childhood trauma. I was not familiar with what love is, what defined love, and who is love.
As of now, I went from being viewed as an infatuated teen to the Diana I was meant to be. It all resembles how I view myself. I call my experiences with the “Concept of Dating: Infatuated Teen” a “Selfless Sacrifice,” journey.
That journey has yet to end but it has started a new era for me…
‘The Recovering Era.’