For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with anxiety. It is something that I am familiar with, an old friend that comes and goes. Of course, I’ve learned how to cope with it and I’m a much happier person than I was two years ago.
My anxiety hit rock bottom my freshman year of college.
I had the privilege unlike others, to live with my two closest friends from high school. However, it wasn’t as perfect as it might sound. I found myself unable to get out of bed in the mornings and unmotivated about almost anything. I didn’t like the school I was attending and my relationship was coming to an end.
Anyway, my loneliness combined with my anxiety led to depression. I lost a lot of weight and lived off Nutella sandwiches for a while. So, I decided to reach out to my roommates thinking they would support me.
I was very wrong.
In life, we carry many different types of friends with us. Some of them will get to experience standing by our sides during various stages of our lives. There are very few, though, that will stick through the intimate moments and the struggles. There will be those who will see the vulnerable side of us and take the easiest way out because they don’t feel equipped for that type of responsibility. This will definitely hurt, but that is okay.
My roommates made new friends that enjoyed going out. I admit that I was not the most fun. I hid behind my computer, my music, and most notably spent too much time sipping on coffee by myself. When my friends invited me out, I would turn them down. They would always tell me that after a drink or two, I would feel better. But I always knew it wasn’t the way to go.
After a couple weeks, I found myself sitting in an apartment in a foreign city all by myself. My “best friends” and roommates had moved out and left me standing alone in one of the worst situations of my life.
Once I began to talk to my therapist and learn more about this, I learned that this type of situation is very normal. Many people choose to leave when you’re not a joy to be around. I spent so much time thinking about the many things that these girls could have done differently if they were my true friends.
Friends are just like shoes. You have that pair that you wear on a night out, and the pair that you wear on a quick Publix run. However, you have very few that you can slip on after a hard day and wear around. All we can do is make sure that we know which pair we’re slipping on.
If you’re dealing with anxiety or depression, please know that you are not alone and there are many people out there who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
You can’t save them; you can only love them.