I don’t think I realized how bad my acne was until my dad pointed it out when I was 14. We went to Disney World and were eating at this Disney restaurant, and while I was going on a tangent about a movie we both watched, he interrupted me by asking, “hey so what have you been doing for your face?”
In retrospect, I know he meant well. But at that moment, I had never felt so hurt. And it didn’t really stop after that. My skin was a topic around my family, with cousins joking about pro-active, and elderly tias giving me tips on old remedies like lemon and sugar or banana and honey. My skin was the main topic, with family and friends, and I think that’s when I became obsessed with trying to fix my skin.
I began searching all throughout YouTube for tips on natural skin DIYS, and I pulled my mom into the skin care section of Walgreens, begging her to buy me another brand with benzoyl peroxide, wishing that something, anything would save my skin. At one point, my sister bought me pro-active, and taught me how to use it properly, and by “use it properly”, she had me rub a cotton ball full of toner vigorously all over my face. I was harsh on my skin. I scratched and popped every pimple I could see, and to my horror, they just kept coming.
Until I started accutane.
I finally went to a dermatologist, and they prescribed me accutane. This little pill, taken daily, wiped my acne away after three to four months. I also had my blood drawn every month, because the protocol to have my blood drawn was to make sure I wasn’t pregnant, since babies could get birth defects from the medicine. Eventually, this little pill called Accutane changed their name, since the controversy around the side effects were becoming popular.
Another side-effect was depression or suicide. Luckily, I never got that bad, but I don’t think a lot of people are really happy when they had acne. During the process my dry lips would get called out (one of the side-effects), my cheeks were becoming very red,(due to another side-effect) and all throughout high school I was sure that I was ugly. After six months, my skin finally got to look “normal”.
The truth is, no one really knows what severe acne is like, until they get it. People with nice skin see me and want to give me advice, and although that’s very sweet of them, I tune out every word. It was patronizing to see someone with almost perfect skin come to me and tell me what products they use. Salicylic Acid? Apple Cider Vinegar? Witch Hazel? Yeah, like I’ve never heard of those before.
I tried everything, but when people saw my face, they assumed I didn’t do anything. I just want to put this out there for anyone thinking someone with acne hasn’t tried it all: we have tried everything.
I was 16 when I tried Accutane for the first time. At age 19, I tried it again, because it came back. Now I’m 25, and it’s back. And now I’ve just said, screw it.
Don’t get me wrong, I wash my face every night, and I wipe all my makeup off before going to bed. I eat as healthy as I can (I’m a college student, so it’s not the easiest) and I exercise as much as I can. The only thing that stopped my acne completely is now too expensive and way too much of a hassle. So I’ve learned to smile by myself, and I’ve learned to not really care.
And you know what’s funny? My crush in high school admitted he liked me too. Even with the acne– my biggest flaw.
Acne can cause problems that aren’t acne. It can cause people to think of you a certain way, and it can cause you to be insecure, to get angry, to be frustrated, and to lose all your confidence.
What acne can’t do, however, is stop your beauty. I learned a lot about my acne, and that acne can do a lot of things, but it will never stop me from loving myself.