As a college student in my early 20s, I’ve realized that many women, myself included, can drive themselves to insanity over a man. Not just any man, but the man we want. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve lectured my friends about guys who didn’t deserve them, only for them to say, “But it’s him”. And honestly, I’m no better. I’ve found myself guilty of the same thing, time and time again, making far-fetched excuses for people that were never all that great to begin with.
I started asking myself why we do this—not just girls, but everyone. Why do we fixate on one person to the point where even the idea of letting them go feels like the end of the world? That’s when I stumbled upon a term I’ve never heard before: limerence. I found it one night while scrolling on TikTok, watching a video of a girl explaining why it’s so hard to get over people. One of the top comments explained the concept of limerence, and suddenly everything clicked.
WHAT IS LIMERENCE?
Think of limerence as another word for an intense crush. The term was created by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book Love and Limerence. It describes the obsessive feeling of being attached to someone and infatuated with the idea of them, rather than the person themselves.
Ever find your whole mood being influenced by someone you’re interested in? That’s limerence. Ignore their red flags because you’ve already idolized their good traits too much to see the bad? Limerence. Feel emotionally dependent on them, as if you can’t function without their attention? 100 percent limerence.
Although these signs may seem like common sense, love is a complicated feeling—and we all know that the more emotionally invested you are, the harder it can be to see things the way they truly are.
Love vs. Limerence in a nutshell
For starters, real love is healthy. It makes you feel secure and confident, and it allows both people to grow individually. True love means acknowledging someone’s strengths and weaknesses, encouraging them to pursue their passions, and sharing long-term goals built on mutual respect and trust.
Limerence, on the other hand, looks like emotional dependency. It’s letting someone control how you feel about yourself. It’s the short-lived infatuation that fades over time, the endless replaying of conversations in your head, and putting someone on a pedestal by calling them “the one”, even when they’re not treating you like it.
I’ll never forget when I was going through a horrible breakup and told my friend, “But he was my person,” to which she replied, “You think he’s your person because he was your person”. That will stick with me forever. It showed me that sometimes, we hold onto what’s familiar even when it’s toxic because it feels safe. Flash forward three years, and now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in—with someone who listens to me, validates my feelings, and genuinely brings me peace.
Why recognizing limerence matters
It’s crucial for your mental health’s sake to distinguish whether you truly love someone or you’re just infatuated with the idea of them. Relying on another person to regulate your emotions is a dangerous game and usually ends up leading to anxiety, depression, and, worst of all, loss of identity. No one, no matter how great they seem, is worth sacrificing your peace of mind.
Something that further strengthened my belief in this was an interview with Emma Watson on the Jay Shetty Podcast, where she brings up her experience with toxic relationships. One thing she said really stood out to me and I’m definitely using as my life motto from here on out: “If it costs me any part of my peace, it’s too expensive”. In other words, love shouldn’t feel like constant anxiety and turmoil, and if it does, maybe it was never love in the first place.
Final THoughts
The next time a friend tells you they can’t imagine life without “that guy” or “that girl,” tell them about limerence. Help them see that relationship for what it really is, ditch the rose colored glasses they’re wearing, and forget about the version of them they’ve made up in their heads. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved, and that’s ok—but it’s equally as important to recognize when that love is healthy, mutual, and real.