“So…what are we?”: the most dreaded and cringe worthy question of modern romance. Nobody wants to be the one to say it, regardless of how much the question torments us in our heads. We hate to give things labels and avoid discussing how we feel at all costs. Fearing the commitment that’s implied by a “relationship,” we opt to be “together,” which ironically implies much more distance than anything.
This dichotomy of millennial dating culture is anything but simple, and yet, the terms and conditions are expected to be understood. As participants in this strange world of modern day hook-up culture, we’re supposed to know what we’ve signed up for without the instructions ever being expressed to us. With nearly a year and a half of college, the epicenter of millennial dating/hook-up culture, under my belt, the rules and regulations of this dating game have become increasingly clear to me.
The line between “hooking up” and “dating” couldn’t be finer, and we call it being “together”. Although the term itself sounds pretty self-explanatory, what the label, or lack-there-of, entails is far more complex than one would assume.
One day you’re hooking up. It’s new and exciting, and then he asks for your Snapchat. You Snapchat a lot, and maybe conversation transitions to texting (a milestone in millennial romance). The hook ups become almost routine, and it seems evident that neither of you want to hook up with anybody else. Just as things seem to be accelerating, he slams on the breaks. He doesn’t want a “relationship,” because it’s too much commitment and it’s college. He was never looking for anything serious, and even though something serious found him, he’s just not ready. So you’ll take things slow. You’ll just be “together” instead. When the questions start coming about what you are, that’ll be your answer. You’re just together.
But he never says what that means, and maybe he doesn’t know either. You’re technically exclusive, but when that girl at the bar asks if he has a girlfriend, he won’t be lying when he says no. It might work just fine in the beginning, but at the end of the day, this thing is designed to fail. He started this with no intention of progress, stamped with an expiration date that you forgot to notice. You weren’t supposed to catch feelings, but how could you not?
He’ll realize that you want more, because in reality you always have. The more you grow impatient, the more he’ll push away, until he’s gone. But you can’t be mad. He told you that he didn’t want a relationship. You knew that, but you held on to that sliver of hope that one day things might change. Believe him when he tells you what he wants, and ignore your inner monologue that’s trying to convince you otherwise. Being “together” now does not mean you’ll be in a relationship in the future. This ambiguous label promises nothing of the future. If he doesn’t actually want to be with you, then you shouldn’t be “together.”