Editor’s Note: This article is meant to be humerous and sarcastic. Please enjoy.
I know you’ve been there. You’re sitting in class and that one girl talks, you know — the one who always has something to say. She asks an unnecessary question, or makes a “witty” remark, and for some reason or another, this girl annoys you. Sadly, she’s one of many characters you’ll find in your college classrooms, annoying you without good reason. And it’s not just in college — these characters seemingly follow you from one school to the next! You can’t avoid them, or get rid of them, but it feels awfully good to distinguish who they are.
1. The Excited Hand Raiser: the student who raises his/her hand for every single question, and smiles with pride when giving the correct answers to even the simplest questions. Often times, a professor will raise these questions for the purpose of clarifying a point, rather than provoking a response. However, this girl will still provide the answer. Congrats, my friend, you got it! We all knew it too.
2. The Shakespeare: everything this student says will be with dramatic impact and theatrical tone, speaking slowly and emphatically to try and seem like they are saying something significant or moving. However, most of us just wish s/he’d shut up and join the theatre program.
3. The Manipulative Questioner: the student who raises his/her hand and asks a question, only to provide the answer to the question. This student attempts to showcase his/her intelligence and impress the professor. He/she might say, “XYZ is the answer because X=Z, right?” To which the professor will say, “yes, manipulative questioner’s name, that is correct!”
4. The Connection-Making Junkie: he is the reason why your class runs over ten minutes too long. This student is so interested in class discussion, and believes himself to be so important, that he must share a detailed, personal connection relating to the class topic. The student feels compelled to share his “AHA” moment, in which he has realized the overbearing connection between class and a subject of his choice. This account is boring and unnecessary.
5. The Unwitty Class Clown: lacking intelligence, wit, or likable personality, this student will crack jokes throughout class. These types often question the authority of the professor, acting as if the classroom sets a stage for their comedy act. They look around the room suggestively and feed off of classmates’ reactions. While peers sometimes laugh out of obligation, they hope and pray that the jokes and sneer remarks will come to an end.
6. The Dialoguer: the student who engages in persistent, back and forth dialogue with the professor, either debating or drawing off the professor’s points. He/she excludes the class from this lengthy, heated discussion, leaving classmates feeling bewildered. Do us all a favor and go to the professor’s office hours, ask him out for coffee —by all means.
7. The Doorknob: this person slumps in the back of the classroom, offering nothing but silence to the table. She is often mistaken as intelligent, paying adequate attention to class but withholding from remark. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes, the professor will call on the doorknob randomly, to which he/she will reply, “ahh…umm…” in a very meek voice.
8. The Lawyer: the character that disputes anything another classmate has to say. The lawyer must have the last word in class discussion, raising his/her hand after students have spoken to rebuke their thoughts: “actually, I felt the author meant to say something else.” Why, thank you so much for clarifying that for us. What would we do without your wisdom?
9. Teacher’s Pet: finally, I will draw upon the most typically annoying classroom character. You’ll find this student hanging around after class, anxiously waiting to speak with the professor. She always volunteers to read aloud, and is immediately called upon. She should probably do less.