So you’ve spent an entire summer apart from your friends and now you are back in the classroom, back at work, and you’re interacting with people again! As you start the new school year, you might meet new people (the freshman class has gotten a lot bigger), encounter some of your friends who may have transitioned, who may be exploring their gender identity, as well as those who may be experimenting with new pronouns. He, she, ze, they… No matter what the encounters are, here are a few things to keep in mind about how you should approach gender pronouns:
Back to School Mindfulness: Acceptable vs Unacceptable Ways to Correct Yourself If You Misgender Someone
Image courtesy of Boston Children’s Hospital
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Do not assume a person’s pronouns by their physical appearance
There is not a singular cookie-cutter image for people and their pronouns, which is why you can’t always know what pronouns someone uses just by looking at them. Pronouns are used as a way to connect with the world or situate oneself in space that cannot be confined within a binary. It is a tiny part of a broad spectrum that a person identifies with, claims, and by respecting this reality, we can validate this identity. A few ways to determine a person’s pronouns are to listen to how some of their closest friends reference them, request to follow them on social media or simply just ask. The worst thing that you can do is assume someone’s gender pronouns, so be proactive and don’t make assumptions!
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If you make a mistake, do not make the misgendered person take care of you
“I’ve never done this.”
“I’m getting it down, it’s just hard. You get it right?”
Stop asking for validation from someone who you just invalidated. When you have just unintentionally misgendered someone, take a moment to think about how that person is feeling: disrespected, invalidated, and alienated. It seems bizarre and perplexing to me that using someone’s preferred pronoun is harder than experiencing dysphoria day in and day out. Yet, there are still people who make situations uncomfortable by making/searching for excuses to avoid the guilt associated with misgendering someone without a thought to the feelings this person experiences being misgendered.
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Don’t be overly apologetic
“She—OMG, I mean he…I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. I don’t even know where that came from…”
“I went to the mall with her—him.”
“She, I mean they’re the captain of the rugby team.”
“He and I—sorry, she and I, went to the market.”
*Cringe* A response like this is completely inappropriate, awkward, and also requires the misgendered person to take care of you, which is not their job. Everyone messes up from time to time, but quickly and immediately correct the mistake so as to not trigger or distract that person. Also, if you passively hear someone misgendering your friend, be a little more active by taking this person aside and correcting them. Make sure that you do this appropriately and carefully, so perhaps at a later time, as not to further alienate your friend.