“I’m just used to buttholes”
“During the summer holidays I was gagging for some entertainment and my artsy, red -wine drinking friend invited me to the pub with his mates, so why not? During a series of rum shots and Jager-bombs, this guy started chatting me up and, naturally, the conversation then progressed into some cubical antics. Following swiftly to naked bedroom shenanigans and the standard foreplay procedure, it slowly came my attention that his mouth had an unfamiliar taste… but due to the hustle and bustle, this failed to get another thought. Sobering up to a hungover lad, and in the less flattering lighting of the morning sun, I discovered his nose was smothered in blood- as were the bedsheets and everywhere else. Just as I was getting over the fact that the floodgates had opened he then spouts ‘sorry if things were a bit rough last night I’m just used to buttholes’. Charming”
“I had, in fact, pissed myself”
“I was on a typical Wednesday Timepiece night out, it was a heavy night, the pre’s had been lit and I was pretty far gone. After a few vodka shots and wavy dance moves, I was on the pull and a Rugby lad was the catch of the day. After the drunken stumble back to Lafrowda, the deed had indeed been done. Waking up at 6am semi drunk, I thought the bed was a tad damp, maybe I’d spilt a drink from last night? Oh no, I had in fact pissed myself. On the upside, at least he sprinted out almost straight away out so the awkwardness was short lived.”
“My pure white sweater covered in blood”
“During a mates 18th birthday celebrations at the local village hall, things got a bit steamy when this girl from college caught my eye. After a short smooch next to the kitchen hatch, things moved into the disabled toilet. It was happening pretty fast so I didn’t have a chance to remove any clothing, a slight inconvenience when trying to do the dirty in a public place. When it finished up I glanced at my pure white sweater to see splatters of blood- shit she was a virgin. I panicked and rang my sister to pick me up. Trying to explain this to her, and my parents, was something short of miraculous.”
“Her legs buckled and not in a good way”
‘Usual story, I took a girl home from a night out at Unit 1 and did the deed. In the morning, we decided to get a little frisky in the shower. Big mistake. We were having sex and she suddenly said, “I think we should stop”. Her legs buckled and not in a good way. She’d fainted. (Obviously I was just that good) I managed to catch her as she fell to the floor, just about turned the shower off and waited for her to come round (an awkward experience to say the least, whilst butt naked and dripping wet). She was very disorientated and I was pretty shaken. Tip of the day: make sure the shower isn’t too hot and the hangover isn’t too strong when you decide to have morning shower sex.’
‘Tarantino might as well have filmed his latest instalment in my mate’s bedroom’
As most of these stories begin, I was out for the night in a new city visiting my uni mate and her friends; things got messy to say the least. Did you know being in a new place can make you feel more drunk? Yeah I can testify for that. Of course, an after-party ensued at her house and I was the lucky girl to nab the available double bed with the equally as drunk home friend, a guy I had previously pulled when he had visited us in first year. We hadn’t slept together before so we went full steam ahead. To summarise, we were both too drunk and decided to stop and take a breather, turned on the lights and… Tarantino might as well have filmed his latest instalment in my mate’s bedroom. After figuring out that he had actually snapped his banjo half way through, the night ended with me telling her at 5am that there was blood on her white walls, and me down on my hands and knees scrubbing the blood out of her carpet with salt water. I’ve heard the stains never did come out of the mattress..’