What happens when you know that you’re meant to be with someone – but THEY don’t know it yet? Don’t just shrug and give up on the obsession. Feed it. Nurture it. Until it’s bigger than the both of you. Here are our top tips for casually stalking someone. Just pray that when you do eventually meet, you don’t drunkenly blurt out his mother’s maiden name.
Find Out What He’s Studying
This is the same concept as finding out his timetable at school – but a lot more developed. At school, you would just learn the timetable off by heart and linger outside his classroom for about five years. Child’s play. At uni, you must launch the three-pronged attack. If he does drama, become really REALLY close to any drama friends you might have. If he does maths consider learning some hilarious algebra-related jokes. If he does English, hang around Queens a lot. Just pray to God it’s not psychology – no level of obsession is worth the cross country trek to Washington Singer.
Infiltrate His Library Territory
Whether it’s Amory, Forum or The Sanctuary, you’re bound to see him in one of these places at one point. When that glorious day comes, (after feeling that you might have an epileptic fit with excitement) follow him. Find out his preferred seat. If he’s a library regular, he won’t stray too far from it. The next day, dressed as provocatively as is acceptable in the daytime, plonk yourself in the chair next to him. Don’t talk to him – no, that would be weird – just be there, radiating your feminine wiles.
Exploit The Infinite Possibilities of Facebook
Obviously you’ll know his name. If, by some miracle, he’s one of those technically-challenged people that haven’t changed their settings to private, feel free to shut yourself off from the world for a week and stalk him back to 2008. If, like normal sane people, his profile is more of a mystery, don’t be disheartened. You can always browse through club photos in the hope that he’ll appear in one of them. Or (a Stalkers Anonymous classic) check out his list of friends and stalk THEM. You never know. They could have a whole archive of albums starring the object of your obsession.
Similarly, Take To The World Of Twitter
If he has an account, it is an absolute goldmine of knowledge. His favourite football team, musical preferences, shoe size, penchant for Rihanna – it’s all there. Use this. It’s a gift. This is the final part of the preparation before you enact Operation Accidentally Bump Into Him And Hit It Off And Get Married. Remember a couple of key facts about him to drop into conversation: “Oh my god, you like Gary Lineker? I used to LOVE those Walkers Crisps adverts – WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!” See? The height of nonchalance.
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