So you went on a couple of dates. He took you to Firehouse, then Odeon, then – the classiest of all – Arena. Unfortunately, he now really, REALLY likes you, and you’ve just realized that he’s psychotic/boring/stupid/all of the above. You could go down the route of gently avoiding him and praying that he gets the message. But with a combination of Sod’s Law and Exeter having an approximate population of 50 people, you will definitely bump into him about 8 times a day. So why not skirt the general discomfort of turning down the guy by… making yourself so undesirable that he has no choice but to be put off you forever! Follow these simple steps for guaranteed success.
Physically Annoying Habits. Adopt any mannerism that you know he finds unbearable in a girl. A constant sniffle. Biting your nails. Chewing gum loudly and popping it in his face. Be creative here. And remember, never shy away from developing a twitch.
‘Baby, Where Are You?!’ The phone is pivotal in enacting this part of the plan. You must clog up his inbox with at least 10 texts a day. Enquire as to what he’s doing. Who he’s seeing. The more needy in tone, the better. If he doesn’t instantly reply? Double text him. Follow this up with lots and lots of calls and end each one with a ‘No, YOU hang up first!’ and when he does hang up, text him saying ‘ Omg, I can’t believe you hung up on me?!!!!’ In capitals.
‘Everyone Fancies Me’ Syndrome. Nothing is less attractive than a person thinking that they are irresistible to the opposite sex. You must appear convinced that everyone is checking you out. In the library, lean over to him and whisper ‘everyone on this table is obsessed with me’. Accompany with lots of sighing and eye-rolling. He will no doubt assume you are joking so take care to repeat five more times that day. In extreme cases, extend this tactic to all of his friends; helpful phrases include ‘Does it bother you that they’re all in love with me?’
Dramatic Image Overhaul. No-one can deny that a physical connection is a big part of the attraction to someone. You must sever that connection. The style that he likes so much? Go completely the opposite way. Striped leggings. Orange mohair jumpers. Crimped hair. If you really want to push the boat out, wear a lot of purple.
Remember – this final step is only to be used in the direst circumstances, but coupled with all the other ridiculous things you will have been doing, it will be just enough to ensure that he never bothers you again. Ever. Now, let’s just hope that once he leaves you, you don’t end up fancying him.
Picture credits: weheartit.com