There’s an epidemic sweeping the nation. It’s something Freud would have called ‘female hysteria’, but modern men have come up with a brilliant new term for it: the ‘psycho’ girlfriend. She asks her boyfriend too many questions about his day, she likes hanging out with him and – worst of all – she has high standards for how she wants to be treated.
But don’t worry, girls. Here at HCX, we know you lie awake in fear of becoming this psycho monster. And we’ve come up with 8 ways you can instead become the Chill Girlfriend of your boyfriend’s dreams…
1. Help update his Tinder profile.
It would be crazy to expect your boyfriend to delete the app just because you’ve been going out for over 2 years now. Instead, you should help pick out some pics for his profile (obviously ones without you in them – you don’t want any girls swiping left to your man!) Plus everyone knows watching your SO swipe right to a toned blonde from Surrey makes banterful pillow talk.
2. Get rid of all body hair.
It’s important to remember your boyfriend signed up for a relationship with a dolphin (metaphorically speaking). So you need to make sure you shave at least every other day. So what if it takes you an hour and you’re stressed with uni work? You have to prioritise the important things in life. Your boyfriend deserves more than a gorilla.
3. Don’t ask questions.
Naturally, you have to ask him some questions – especially about his day, or he won’t know how attentive you are as a girlfriend. So questions like ‘How are you?’, ‘How can I make you feel less stressed, baby?’ and ‘I love your booty calls – want me to come round?’ are totally fine. But any serious questions about your future should be kept to yourself.
4. Encourage him to put his boys first.
Your boyfriend didn’t choose the Lad Life – it chose him. So there’s no point trying to arrange dates with him, because he has to put the boys first. It’s your job as a chill girlfriend to encourage him to spend as much time as possible downing VKs – even if it is Valentine’s Day.
5. Agree to disagree.
Fights just aren’t fun, and that’s your primary job as a girlfriend: to be fun. If you don’t agree with what your boyfriend is doing then just keep it all bottled up until the problem goes away. You don’t want to be that high maintenance girlfriend who sticks up for what she believes in. Boys hate that.
6. Hang out with his friends.
Being friends with his friends is super easy. You just have to hang around and watch the shows they like all day. If you buy them a 12-pack of beer then they’ll think you’re even cooler. You should do this enough so they know you’re chill, but also not all the time or they’ll think you’re clingy.
7. Turn a blind eye.
This one is crucial – we all saw what happened to Taylor Swift in Blank Space when she got mad at her boyfriend for texting other girls. She killed him. Now, that’s just crazy. Instead, if you see your boyfriend exchanging numbers with another girl or even grinding on a cheerleader on Top Top, you should just turn away. And maybe down a beer at the bar with his guy friends, because you’re both a chill girlfriend and ‘one of the lads’.
8. Abandon any feminist principles.
Bridget Jones said it best in her diary: “There is nothing so unattractive to a man than strident feminism”. Your boyfriend wants to make a sexist joke? You’d better laugh, girl!
There you have it, girls. If you follow these 8 simple steps then you will become a Chill Girlfriend legend.