Handcuffs. Rope. Leather pants. Whips. Latex. Blindfolds. What do all these things have in common, other than something you give your friend as a joke? They’re familiar props for the shadowy world inhabited by the participants of BDSM culture. And while the props might be familiar, what on Earth is BDSM?
There’re a few different ways to apply the acronym, but the most common is Bondage, Dominance, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism. Reading that over, it just sounds scary, with lots of long words that have painful connotations that aren’t really fun at all. But the interesting thing about BDSM is that there is a lot more to it than just those words. You could be surprised, you might be a member of this culture without even knowing it. For example, is it exciting if your guy pulls your hair a little bit? Do you enjoy it if he grabs your wrists and kisses you hard? Then you might be playing around with BDSM.
For some, those actions might be too intense, maybe even too painful, or just too much. Those people can be described as “vanilla”; people who tend to keep things very normative in the bedroom (think straight missionary or girl on top without any of what I’d consider the more exciting things sex has to offer). There’s a reason this kind of sex is referred to as vanilla… like plain vanilla ice-cream, it can be boring. Because after all, what girl doesn’t want a little bit of chocolate or sweets in her dessert bowl!?
So there are levels to the BDSM experience. Think of it as a video game (boys, tune in here) – some parts are tame, like hair pulling or wrist grabbing, i.e. beginner’s level. Others are a little more adventurous – handcuff use is actually fairly common, as I’ve discovered from talking to a few friends. Even rope bondage can be considered more “normal,” as can blindfolds, ice cubes, and the like, so this ironically can be considered the intermediate level. And here’s where things start to edge back into scary, as props such as whips, floggers, gags, and clamps begin to get included. Advanced level. You get the idea.
One of the most advanced members of this particular video game is the Marquis de Sade. When you begin to type “marqui…” into Google, the first hit that comes up is about this guy. You don’t believe me? Try it. He lived back in France during the late 1700s and early 1800s. On the surface of things, he was a writer, but boy did this dude have some interesting material. According to Neil Schaeffer’s definitive biography of de Sade, this Frenchman was considered a sexual deviant to the point where he was sent to prison for it. His sexual exploits are the stuff of dreams for teenage boys. Or nightmares. You never can tell with de Sade. However, his name has become synonymous with the BDSM culture, just going to show that this type of sexual activity has really been around for a while.
But that’s not saying that the BDSM culture hasn’t also become highly modernized and is currently making its way into mainstream culture. The socialization and even glamorization of BDSM can be seen in songs such as “S&M” by Rhianna or in movies like “The Wedding Crashers.” In a 2009 article by Susan Donaldson James for ABC News, kinky (the more socially accepted term) sex of all types is on the rise. And just the fact that kinky sex was worth an article for ABC News should tell you something. A quote from that article regards the internet as “making information available in such a level playing field that outrageous acts have become so accessible they seem mainstream.” Obviously this is true. Porn sites are easily accessible, and specific sites that deal with BDSM are on the rise, such as the Upper Floor – a porn website founded by Peter Acworth, a British-born entrepreneur (it’s not just the French, guys) inspired by “The Story of O.” This short story details the experiences of a female slave in the 24/7 slave-master BDSM lifestyle that’s so far beyond the advanced level I don’t even know how to describe it. Although it is a French story… I digress. The Upper Floor is a project of Kink.com, which provides links to websites like Hogtied.com or Sexandsubmission.com. So that’s three websites and their host in about a paragraph with very little research done. BDSM is mainstreaming, people, and that’s okay.
I’m sure you’re thinking, “but, really, is it? Is it actually okay for me to participate in any of these activities?” Absolutely! Why not? While a vanilla sex life is, without a doubt, acceptable, desirable and even necessary for some, others want that bit extra in their ice-cream. One of the issues with the BDSM culture is the guilt that tends to come with it. If you’re the more dominant partner, urges to cause pain (if that’s your thing) or tie someone up can feel unnatural, and vice versa, a submissive partner who likes pain/being tied up/etc can feel like they’re a freak. You’re not. The best way to avoid feeling like you’re the only person in the world who has desires stationed in the BDSM world is to understand what it is you like. Reading this article was an awesome start! But do a little research. Talk to your significant other if you have one; communication is really important when engaging in the kinky… and then do what every novice has to do, start at the beginning.
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Stay tuned in for next week’s companion article on this subject, with interviews and personal experiences of students chronicled by Nahja Martin!
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