When I tell people that I asked my boyfriend out, they usually greet this knowledge with surprise. Maybe it’s because I’m very petite, normally quite shy and they don’t expect me to be the kind of person to put myself and my feelings out there in this way. I think however, it’s mostly that society still expects men to be the ones who initiate relationships. In books, in films, on tv, everywhere you look, our fairy tale stories of men performing romantic gestures to ask the girl of their dreams to go out with them, but we are rarely shown women taking on this role.
The dating game is full of myths that men enjoy the chase, they like a girl who plays hard to get, it’s seen as unladylike to assert yourself, and asking what exactly a guy wants from you is an instant turn off. A quick google online produces several results which suggest that the “old fashioned” way is best and even advice from women who say they’ve tried asking guys out and it doesn’t work. It’s incredible how ingrained into us this structure is. However, the search results are also scattered with pieces about how a large proportion of men actually like it when women take the initiative and make the first move. Clearly in the same way that women feel they shouldn’t ask out men, lots of men are deterred by the pressure put on their sex to be the ones who instigate relationships.
The question is: why aren’t women taking this power back for themselves? We’ve come a long way since the traditional Victorian days of marriages made for financial and social gain and giggling at our crushes from behind fans across the ballroom, yet still the idea of asking a man if they want to get a coffee or actually be in a relationship is still alien to so many women. I can confirm that the worst thing that can happen is he will say no and that’s not the end of the world. In that case then you can either continue being friends or choose to go your separate ways. Alternatively, he might say yes, and it could turn into something really great, but the only way to find out is to ask.
I understand that it can be scary, when I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to be more than friends, I immediately panicked, thinking he would say no and hate me forever, and I had to go and have a cold shower while I waited for his reply, so I didn’t go completely mad. But those 15 minutes of terror saved me possible months of confusion and heartache, wondering whether or not he liked me back, and it led to where we are now a year and a half later: very happy. My boyfriend agrees that if things had been left to him, we would have been in the awkward “talking” stage for a lot longer and although he was also initially surprised it was refreshing that I told him what I wanted and what I was looking for quite quickly.
So, if you’re wondering whether or not to say something to your crush or how to do it here are Her Campus’ top tips for asking out the guy (or gal) you like:
- Be honest: Saying what you really feel is hard sometimes, but you don’t want there to be any ambiguity about what you’re looking for, whether that be something casual or a long-term relationship. More importantly this sets a precedent for any relationship which might develop; honesty is key! Also, if you’re upfront and honest you’re more likely to get a straight up answer, and if that’s a no it’s better to hear it sooner rather than later.
- Make it clear that it’s okay to say no: You don’t want to put on any pressure to say yes because if they aren’t interested any resulting dates will be uncomfortable and it will only result in having to have the awkward “I don’t feel that way about you” conversation later when you’ve become more attached and it will hurt more.
- Give the person some space and time to think about their answer if they need to: Don’t necessarily expect an answer right away, entering into a relationship is a big decision and even if the other person likes you, they might still want to think about it first. If you’ve asked via text, then take a break and do something else so you won’t be staring at your phone or tempted to send any follow up messages and if you ask face to face just mention that they don’t have to say either way right now if they don’t want to.
If this does inspire you to ask someone out, then I wish you the best of luck and if it doesn’t work out don’t let it deter you for next time. Go out and get your own fairy tale ending and sweep your prince off his feet instead!