So you’ve come to university and have had to move hundreds of miles away from a certain special someone. Or maybe you’ve met someone here, which is great until they’re on the other side of the country when you go home during the holidays. Either way, deciding to take on a long distance relationship means you’re not exactly going to have an easy time. Here’s some advice I’d give from 2 years’ experience in a long distance relationship myself:
1. Prepare yourself.
Unless you are someone who enjoys seeing their loved ones as little as possible- which is unlikely- a long distance relationship is going to be hella hard. You may have met before uni and have had to move apart, or met someone who lived far away to begin with, and so there are times when it’s going to suck. Lots of times. It’s important to understand that fact and accept it before you seperate, knowing that it won’t work unless you both put effort into it. Be mature and realistic, and have a chat about how best to cope with the hard times.
2. Communicate!
Being apart means that you really have to work on your communication skills. Not only is this a good thing to put on your CV, it will also help keep your relationship a happy one. You don’t realise how much you rely on facial expressions, body language and touch in a conversation until all you have is a phone and a poor quality webcam. Without these, you need to learn to express of your thoughts and feelings through words. This means telling your partner when they’ve upset you, not just being huffy and hoping they notice. It can be hard at first, but once you get the hang of it it a whole new level of openness is there between the two of you.
3. Arrange to meet up.
If it’s an option, a visit to or from your partner can help to break up the time you’ve spent apart. Whether it’s a weekend away, a day trip where you meet in the middle, or if you’re fortunate a week at home, just being in the same room as them can help you reconnect and remember that they’re not just a face on a screen. Unless you own a car, can bear an epically long coach journey or afford to fly, it’s likely you’ll be getting the train. Trains are horribly expensive, but a railcard helps cut the price down a bit. It’s also worth splitting your journey into sections and seeing if that’s cheaper.
Once you’re there or they’re here, don’t feel like you need to cram loads into the visit. It’s tempting to run round every ‘must do’ attraction nearby and do lots of activities, but remember that you need to catch up on just being together. Go out and do something you both enjoy or show them a place you’ve found that you really like, but then just hang out – watch a film, show each other funny videos, cook together. Do whatever feels most worthwhile to the two of you.
4. Video call.
Skype (or Facetime) is invaluable while you’re away from your partner. Despite the fact that it frequently drops out, and occasionally the quality is so bad you can barely tell it’s a face on your screen, for the most part it’s a free way of getting as close as possible to a proper conversation. It’s great for catch-ups and chatting, but don’t feel like you need to talk constantly- you probably wouldn’t if you were actually together, so just having your boyfriend/girlfriend in the corner of the screen while you do work is nice.
5. Have fun!
Sometimes you don’t want to sit and have a conversation, and that’s fine. It’s good to do other things together so you remember that being with each other is fun. You can sync a film to watch together, do quizzes on the internet and compare results, or even make beautiful art together (the website FlockDraw lets you share a canvas online). Playing multiplayer games together is a great shared activity, especially if you want a distraction from uni stress. Games like Castle Crashers, Battle Block Theater and Ibb and Obb require communication and cooperation but aren’t too hard or serious.
6. Apps.
We have a lot of technology at our disposal these days, so make the most of it. There are some very cute couple apps available for free; with apps like Avocado and Couplete you can send password secured messages, drawings, and letters to each other and share a calendar. My personal favourite is Happy Couple, which gives you questions every day to complete about each other, as well as giving you tips and challenges to maintain closeness in your relationship. Words with Friends is a great game if you’re both busy or have different schedules – you can make your move whenever you have a spare minute.
7. Send each other things.
Everyone loves getting something in the post that isn’t a bill, or letter from the opticians reminding you that you haven’t had your eyes tested in three years. Whether it’s a card just to say that you’re thinking about them or a box full of things you know will make them smile, just the fact that you cared enough to send something will mean a lot. This applies to friends as well as partners; a birthday card covered in all your worst photos together is way more personal than a Facebook post.
8. Have things to look forward to.
It helps if you both always have something to look forward to, so that you have a reason to keep going when things aren’t so great. This could be something as big as the goal of living together or going travelling for a year once you’ve finished uni, but it could also be as small as a visit, a holiday or even your weekly Skype date.
9. Trust each other!
Long distance relationships require huge amounts of trust; you’re living separate lives away from each other and usually only know what’s going on with the other person if they tell you. This means that you need to trust that your partner will be honest with you and won’t do anything they shouldn’t. Equally it means that you need to bear them in mind in your own life, and avoid doing things you know they wouldn’t like. The relationship is unlikely to last unless you are both fully committed to making it work and making each other happy.
10. Be independent, but considerate.
You’re at uni to learn and have fun, so spending every night on the phone or Skype probably isn’t the best plan. Immerse yourself as much as you can – join societies, take up sports, and of course work hard. I promise it’s possible to make time for your relationship too. Schedule a time to talk that works for both of you, and always remember to let them know if plans change. You don’t have to keep them updated 24/7 but if you text your boyfriend/girlfriend to tell them you’re going on a night out, it will give them peace of mind if you can also remember to text them when you get back. Remember that you’re two halves of a team; you’re independent people with your own lives but you’ve also committed to working together on your relationship.
11. Most importantly, remember why you’re doing it.
I know it’s hard sometimes. They haven’t replied to your text, you’re seeing couples everywhere, and omg you JUST WANT A CUDDLE, but you have to try and remember why you’re putting yourself through this. Think about all the reasons you’re with your partner, the things that make being with them worth all the hassle of the distance. If you ever find that the pros don’t outweigh the cons anymore, you might want to have a think or a chat about your relationship. Fix it if you can but don’t force things for the sake of it. Hopefully, though, you won’t get to that point. I cannot tell you there will always be happiness and joy and sunshine because that would be a big fat lie, but as long as you are willing to push through the rubbishness then you’ll be ok. Good luck, and dont forget to keep your chin up.
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