In February of 2021, I posted a video on TikTok. Checking back maybe a few hours later, it had hundreds of thousands of views. The video followed a popular trend at the time, and I related it to my adoption from Russia. The comments were flooded with people saying how they were also adopted, and a majority of them also from Russia. Dazzled with my newfound fame, I posted another video about being adopted, and another, and they all continued to have thousands of views. Some were funny jokes, and others were more personal and emotional. Regardless of the type of content, the comments were the same: “I am so happy to know another adoptee feels the same way, I thought it was just me!”. I truly felt like I was starting to make a difference. I changed my profile to be purely about adoption. I posted facts about adoption specifically in Russia, and later expanded to also discussing foster care. I talked about how to best support adoptees and the foster care system. At one point, I even had merchandise promoting adoption, with the funds planned to go toward an organization that supported the foster care system.
Despite all of this, it never once occurred to me the finances would affect my taxes, and I also didn’t have a business license. I also was not considering the different safety aspects of the app as well – I was so optimistic about all of the good work I felt like I was doing. I didn’t realize that I was making it possible for random people to find me.
Beyond that, I found myself becoming obsessed with being a “creator”. I would spend hours making videos perfect, and I would obsessively check to see if they were doing well, and if it didn’t do well, I would sit and analyze what I can do to make the next video get more views. I felt so good about myself because I was taking a social media platform that had so much negative content, and doing something positive with it.
Eventually, I along with my parents decided it would be best to stop posting for a while, to figure out my finances and to reass what I want. At this time I had about 100K followers. I deleted the app for a while and focused on finishing my senior year. I didn’t miss it. I didn’t miss posting or checking the stats or seeing the likes come in. I felt so free. I didn’t feel bad about what I had done, because I knew that I created and connected a group of adoptees and parents who knew that they weren’t alone in their struggles and feelings. But I knew that my mental health was more important, and it didn’t take away from all of the good that I had done for the past 4 months. I still do miss posting sometimes, but I know that I am better off without. Sometimes I see a video on my FYP and I’ll think about how I could make an adoption video that would do so well.
I still do make occasional TikToks, for the Endicott HerCampus page! It is on a regulated basis, and I have my notifications turned off so I won’t get caught up in the likes and views trap all over again. Check us out @hercampusendicott