TW: Mentions of Depression
To say that making the decision to come to Endicott had a significant impact on my life is an understatement. Though I can now say I am thriving and in one of the best mental places I have ever been in, I struggled significantly my first semester and even had thoughts and plans in place for transferring schools. Now that it is nearing the end of my freshman year, I thought it would be fit to share my story and hopefully help others into realizing that you are never alone and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Like many others, my first couple of months were going great. Or at least it seemed like it from the outside. I was experiencing new things, meeting new people, and stepping out of my comfort zone. I was proud of the person I was becoming and proud of the new things I was trying. So I wasn’t allowed to complain, right? Little did I know that I was convincing myself that I was happy when I really wasn’t. But I had to put on a facade for my family and friends at home, since they had expectations for me to have “the time of my life” (when in reality, I subconsciously set that expectation for myself).
Around my third month here, I slipped into one of the worst depressive episodes I have ever been in. It became difficult for me to get out of bed and attend classes, causing my GPA to drop significantly. My trips to the dining hall became less and less frequent, as well as hanging out with friends or FaceTiming family. I struggled with dark thoughts everyday, began to despise being at college, and had doubts about choosing Endicott (I still have a list on my phone of the schools I wanted to transfer to and alternate plans for upcoming semesters). Knowing I had hit rock bottom, I genuinely had no hope for myself and had no hope that things would someday get better. Even worse, I refused to seek any sort of help from support systems (besides a therapist) that were willing to help me, including my own family, because I somehow convinced myself that since I got myself into this, I had to be the one to get myself out. Through the hardest way possible, I came to learn that was not true and after many difficult months, I slowly started to feel like myself again.
When I returned from winter break, I decided that I really wanted to dedicate the semester to focusing on myself. I pushed myself into doing music again, which is something I strictly avoided my first semester. My music experience in high school was so special to me and losing that was tougher than I imagined it would be. I was scared to join any music groups on campus, because I was afraid of the disappointment I would face when I realized they wouldn’t live up to certain expectations due to my high school experience.
However, I joined the Modern Band and Jazz Band on campus as a singer and immediately felt everything click into place. I became more and more passionate about art in general, so much that I decided to add Creative Arts Therapy as a minor. I had never turned to visual art as a form of self care before, but now, it has become so integrated in my life that not a day goes by where I don’t draw or paint something. Around the middle of the semester, I came to realize that I had no real desire to pursue a career in Psychology. I had been faking a genuine passion for the subject because I dedicated so much of my time to preparing for a Psychology career and I did not want that time to go to waste. Although, I didn’t want my next four years to go to waste either. When brainstorming ideas for majors, I realized that one of the only times I had truly been somewhat happy during my struggles first semester was being involved with Her Campus. I really enjoyed writing and began to grow a passion for it and so, I decided to switch my major to Digital Journalism. I could not be prouder and happier of the person I am today.
In experiencing the roller coaster that was my freshman year, I learned many valuable lessons that I hope you will be able to take away from reading this:
- Your mental health comes before anything and everything else. Before academics, before friends, before relationships. If you feel negative in any sort of way, don’t ignore it. Take care of yourself.
- It is okay if plans change. Change is a part of life. Nothing is ever set in stone.
- Go outside. Even if it’s just a quick walk or laying in a hammock for hours, being outside does wonders for your mental health.
- You don’t have to be best friends with everyone. Don’t force a friendship on anyone, the best relationships come when you least expect them and don’t actively look for them.
- Be your authentic self. Don’t change who you are for others. If other people don’t like you, then that’s their problem.
- Do not let a man destroy your happiness. Period. (the only man that is acceptable to cry over is Harry Styles)
- Go places and get involved on campus. Whether it’s a club meeting or a campus event, you’re actively putting yourself out there and making an effort to meet people. (I wouldn’t have met half the people I know today if I didn’t attend that first HerCampus meeting back in the fall)
- Help is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS available to you, ESPECIALLY on campus. Professors, academic success, counseling, etc. all want you to succeed and be the best version of yourself there is. So never be afraid or feel ashamed to reach out and ask for help, because you are in no way inconveniencing others when it comes to your wellbeing.
I hope you remember to take care of yourself and choose yourself everyday. Because although so many people love and care about you, it is important that you love and care about yourself too. And a reminder to those who are currently struggling: I promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take it day by day. Step by step. And before you know it, you’ll find yourself again.
-Amrita :)