After a very stressful and overwhelming week, I sat back and closed my eyes and thought about all that had happened throughout the week. I had three exams, a paper, an annotated bibliography, and a choir concert all jam-packed into a five-day period. To say that it was far more than I was able to handle would be an understatement.
Although some people may be able to handle a week such as that, I am not one of them, and I say this with the utmost pride. I am not someone who can jeopardize my sleep, getting a mere 3-4 hours per night. I am not someone who can stay locked up in the library for hours on end, memorizing countless information that makes my head feel like it is about to explode. I am not someone who can do more than one thing at a time and not feel like the world is crashing down.
I value myself, my wellbeing and my happiness far too much to endure all that mental, emotional and physical pain.
Ever since beginning my second, self-recovery from anorexia nervosa and restrictive eating, tackling chronic depression along the way, I have been redefining and, frankly, rediscovering what it means to value myself, my wellbeing and my happiness and truly accepting the things that leave my heart and mind at peace. For example, I immensely enjoy going on walks. Feeling the cool breeze whip through my hair, listening to the birds chirping their songs, seeing the nature that envelops me with greenery and organic beauty make my heart sing. I enjoy going on my walks alone, which in and of itself used to make me feel extremely self-conscious. I would see people around me paired up, laughing and reveling in each other’s companies, and I would wonder what was wrong with me that I did not have an overwhelming desire to do the same. But, to tell you the truth, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I am discovering that I am someone who very much loves to spend time with herself.
I do not like being in group settings where my words and opinions are often drowned out by those of others. I do not like having to rely on others to see my plans through or to even make plans. I do not like making my schedule around other people and wasting my own time wondering if those people would, in return, work their schedules around me. It seems all that much easier to live my own life – and live it freely, courageously and wholly with myself.
Of course, there are times when I need the company of others. There are times when my depression instills such a heavy burden of loneliness within me that it becomes hard for me to breathe; however, as opposed to before, when I would lose all hope in my life in moments like these, I have slowly begun learning over the past month that I have people around me who I can always go to if I need support, care and love. I am learning that I am not alone no matter what I am struggling with, whether it be a symptom of anorexia, an episode of extreme eating – a result of restrictive eating recovery – or an overwhelming sensation of depression or anxiety.
I am learning that there is life beyond my weaknesses and illnesses, that that life is up to me to decide how to live and that there is no wrong way to live my ideal life – that is, a life that is ideal for me in this current moment.
Although my journey had been going fairly well – and I say this in very tentative nature –, I am disappointed to say that the overwhelming week that I had endured had tremendously set me off track. I relapsed with restrictive eating and ended up binge eating as a result of a week of not eating enough in recovery terms. I barely slept and felt my performance during the day greatly impeded. I isolated extensively and became aggressive and lonely by consequence.
During no day of the week did I prioritize myself, my wellbeing and my happiness. And, I am very ashamed of that.
There is no amount of academic work or life stress that is worth putting oneself at risk for unhappiness and maladaptive health. It simply is not worth the trouble and the pain. Self-care and self-love, both of which I am still avidly learning and will be learning so long as I continue to recover, always supersede everything else in life. Everything else in life will always be there so long as one is ready to meet it with wholeness, happiness and strength.
As a parting note, if you ever find yourself in an overwhelming situation or multiple situations, take a step back and ask yourself if what you are enduring or going to endure is worth the pain and the stress. I cannot tell you how to handle your life, but if I could encourage you to reassess what you hold value towards and, perhaps, encourage you to value yourself above all other things, then we as a society come that much closer to building a generation of resilience, of love and of genuine and complete happiness.