I’m scared of everything.Â
Tests, spiders, my creepy basement with a ghost hiding in the corner. The way my shadow looms next to me and the thought of tripping in front of strangers. My heart races out of my chest as anxiety eats me away. My palms get clammy and my face turns as red as a tomato. Reading out loud, getting lost, being lost. There has never been in my life when I could separate the feeling of starting a test from the idea of being chased by a murderer. Fight or flight mode kicks in and my autopilot continuously chooses flight. I run, I run for my life. Moving states and countries until I get a moment of breath. I try to come up for air -it never works. A new life doesn’t sound so bad. New friends. New room. New family. My parents are nothing but supportive so why do I run? A fear of pleasing them? A fear of pleasing myself? Â
This is the anxiety that has controlled my life. For almost 20 years, I have been chased by fear. Fear is my old friend, turned lover. Stockholm syndrome is my norm. “What is life without this fear”, I ask myself as I go to bed waiting for the next day to grab me. Fear whispers back, “You will never know.” Truth be told this is the question that runs my life. The question that drives me to make more decisions. “What is life without fear”?Â
I always knew I was going to study abroad. For me, studying abroad was a fact of life, the same as going to college and getting a job. I would argue that I’m the most grateful person that I know. I’m grateful for my parents and for the stability that has allowed me to get to this point in my life. So truly, the idea of studying abroad was a fact of where -where I wanted to go.Â
Fear sat on my shoulder as I began to narrow down my country options. He laughed at me when I considered central europe. He got up and walked over to the window staring at the trees that whistled from outside. The sun was setting over Boston and fear was settling in for the night. He turned back to me and said, “Maggie you’re too scared.” I stared back, he was right of course, I was too scared. I didn’t speak Czech and I didn’t know anything about Prague. So why the hell would I ever consider the Czech Republic?
Walks were my sanctuary. It was the one time of my day where fear clocked out. His shift was over and he waited for me at the end of the hour. Even fear needed time to himself. I often wandered around Boston aimlessly, it was the one time where I wasn’t scared of getting lost, wasn’t scared of being humiliated and tripping over words. I was allowed to question myself and think through the random ideas that tore me apart. The Prudential Center gazed on me, for I was a mere-mortal compared to his greatness. “What is life without fear,” I considered as I scrolled on my phone sitting on the Charles River. Is it the willingness to try something new? Is it throwing yourself in and hopping to float? I seriously considered if fear would join me on the flight to my new life. Would there be enough seats on the plane? Did he fit in my baggage? I was an overpacker at heart, it was possible that he wouldn’t even have a chance to join. A smile appeared on my face, was this my chance to leave him behind?Â
Fear walked over to me as I entered my dorm room. He was perched on my window sill as usual. “How was your walk?”, he asked. I knew he didn’t want to know, I knew this was a trick question. The beginning of the next round. I ignored him as I walked over to my laptop. He sat next to me on my bed as I started writing my application. He laughed as I selected “Prague Spring 2025.” “Really?” He looked over at me as I submitted my application. “Did you do this”, he looked past me as Hope hopped on my bed claiming the empty space to my right. Hope rarely joined me, it was always a surprise to see her. She was taller than me and sat with such confidence that I seldom invited her. Yet in that moment, I savored her presense. I breathed her in and suddenly Fear started to fade a bit. His protesting commenced as Hope put her arm around me. That’s how we lived life from September to January. Fear of course didn’t like the arrangement but we managed.Â
I wish I could claim that fear faded by January, but sadly he was able to get a seat on my flight. He wormed his way in as he always does, looking over at me from the jump seat as I ignored him and focused on the window next to me. Old friends never truly leave.
“What is life without fear”
The question continues to haunt me. As I learn to navigate my life in a new country surrounded by a language that I don’t know, I continue to push forward. I have a new window sill where Fear sits but now he allows Hope to join. It’s a tentative arrangement, personally I’m hoping for Hope to fully take over one day, but I could never tell Fear that. The three of us look out my window. “It’s a better view than Boston”, I always say. The tram roars down the hill as school kids giggle and chant phrases in Czech. I don’t know what they’re saying but Fear remains silent. I like to think he’s enjoying this life, he probably had his own fears that this new location soothes. Maybe we’re not so different, Fear and I. He’s a good guy, sure a bit negative, but aren’t we all?