Breaking Dawn hits theaters Tuesday at midnight — but you knew that, right? Deep down, in a place inside you where shame does not exist, you knew that. Maybe you’re a self-declared Twihard. Maybe it’s the guilitest of your guilty pleasures. On whatever side of the Twlight fandom scale you find yourself on, you know the world is gearing up for another round of Twilight mania.
Still ashamed? Here’s justification for why you shouldn’t be embarassed:
1. You’ve waited a year for this.
We’re over the hump – Eclipse, which in my honest opinion is both the best book and movie in the series, came out last year. That’s right: you’ve waited an entire YEAR to see the continuing saga of our favorite vampire-human-werewolf love triangle (assuming Eric-Sookie-Alcide/Bill-Sookie-Alcide isn’t your favorite love triangle. Have fun waiting yet another year for that one.) We’re well overdue for another Twilight movie, this one arriving just in time for the Thanksgiving holiday. Hey, if you’re going to gorge yourself on empty calories on Turkey day, you might as well fill your brain with blockbuster fluff.
2. You’re still reeling from the True Blood finale and need a vampire fix STAT.
**Spoiler Alert** Is Tara dead?! How did King Russell Edgington get out of that concrete?! Are Sookie and Alcide FINALLY going to hook-up?
I simply can’t take it anymore. Any Truebie will agree with me when I say that waiting a year between seasons is excruciating. I need a vampire fix, even if it IS Twilight.
And before you say I could just turn to The Vampire Diaries, I’ll inform you that it’s gone on hiatus until late January. Why, world, why?!
3. You still have a giant crush on Robert Pattinson.
Have you seen this guy? Maybe you thought he was cute in the fourth Harry Potter. Maybe you saw through the pale white pancake makeup used in the first Twilight and thought ‘Hey, this guy isn’t bad looking…”
Or maybe, if you’re like me, you’ve done a double take at every magazine cover he’s graced and thought YOWZA, HELLOOOO.
Still not convinced? I recommend Remember Me or Water for Elephants for optimal Pattinson-oogling. He’s a cutie, come on, guys.
4. You’re in it for the LULZ.
Have you read Breaking Dawn? It’s LOL-TASTIC. Not that the rest of the series will ever go down in literature history, but BD is especially bad.
Bella and Edward tie the knot and finally, FINALLY, consummate their relationship. It’s the fairytale ending we were hankering for at the end of Eclipse, but BD takes it a step further. Seems like the newly-wed Mrs. Cullen got knocked up by her vampire beau (we can argue about the logistics of this later) after their honeymoon and is now expecting a half-vampire-half-human baby. That’s feeding on her blood while in the womb.
This baby, with its little vampire teeth, is essentially chewing its way through its own placenta and killing Bella from the inside. What?!
That, and ex-fling Jacob has ‘imprinted’ on the baby, aka he’s in love with it before it’s even born. I mean, I know we all felt a little icky about crushing on Taylor Lautner before he turned 18, but this is too much.
5. Because everyone, their mom, their little sister, and maybe even their boyfriend is totally going to see it.
Did you know that over 50% of New Moon’s opening weekend audience was over the age of at least 18? More-so, did you know that pre-teen girls make up only a mere fraction of Twlight’s fandom?
Here’s one of the many reasons why Emerson College is so wonderful: the above stats came from a 10+ page final paper I wrote for a seminar called Fandom for n00bs. For my final, I studied Twilight’s fandom and came up with this thesis: People (specifically women) love Twilight because it’s a reminder of first love. Because Bella Swan is such a hollow character, readers are able to insert themselves into the story and live vicariously through it.
We’re not watching Bella get caught up in a love triangle – we’re the ones facing the tough decision: Edward or Jacob? When Edward leaves Bella, he’s leaving us. When Jacob cares for Bella, he’s caring for us. And when Edward comes back and proposes to Bella – well, we can’t all be engaged to the same vampire heart-throb, but dare to dream.
Additionally, Twilight is a hotly discussed topic at schools, on blogs, and around the water cooler. Even your dad knows being on Team Jacob is basically pointless. The little vampire saga that could has made a home in our current pop culture, and you’re absolutely bound to hear all the details even if you don’t see it.
Even though you totally are going to see it. Don’t lie to yourself. I’ll see you at the midnight premiere.