For those of you who do not know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. However, just because April is awareness month, doesn’t mean that we can brush off the importance of it for the rest of the year. It’s time that we stand up and start fighting the hard fight; instead of letting people get away with saying “boys will be boys,” stand up. Instead of being told you are not dressed appropriately, stand up. Instead of being catcalled, grabbed at, and seen as an object whose presence is solely for the sexual pleasure of men, stand up. It is time to take a greater stand that we aren’t going to let this happen anymore.
Living in the city of Boston, I’ve grown to tune out remarks made to me about my body and appearance because it happens every day. Truthfully, when I stop to think about it, I probably ignore these types of comments between 10 and 12 times per day just walking to and from class. It is sickening, to say the least. What’s even worse is that I’m put in a situation that makes me increasingly uncomfortable walking to class, and it has gotten to a point where I have begun to expect being catcalled while walking down the street to my class buildings. On a regular day, I have to avoid certain streets out of fear of being catcalled and grabbed at.
What makes it even worse, is some of you read that paragraph and assumed what I was wearing. You pictured it in your mind that I must be wearing something skimpy and revealing for men to look at me this way. I go to school in Boston, and for some reason, it is still the middle of winter here (even though it is April), so what if I told you I was wearing jeans and a sweater under my winter coat? Am I still, in your mind, asking for the attention of men triple my age on the side of the road? Am I still asking for cars to honk and yell out the window at me?
I’m not even going to touch on the fact that even if I was wearing something revealing, I wouldn’t be asking for any type of attention. That’s an entirely different situation. But for now, let’s look at the facts. I was by no means asking for anything wearing what I was wearing, so why is it okay for men to treat me, or any other woman, that way without our consent? (Hint: It is never okay)
I also want to address another issue that has been plastered all over the news, but is still relevant on college campuses. Why do men think it is okay to touch women without their consent? I don’t just mean rape, but in any way. It’s clear that if someone doesn’t want sexual attention, then you need to immediately stop trying to initiate sexual situations. So why is this so hard for people to grasp? I don’t care what the person is wearing, saying, or doing, if they do not consent, then it is rape. DO NOT PRESSURE THEM OR FORCE THEM TO DO SOMETHING THEY ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH. I don’t mean to minimize the severity of a situation like rape or sexual assault, but for some reason, a lot of men find it difficult to understand why women hate being forced into this situation, so I’m going to explain it like this:
You go for a ride in an airplane, and you think you are just going to go and mind your own business and have a good time. But while you’re on the plane, some random person comes up to you and tells you to skydive out of the plane. You want to stay on the plane. They want you to skydive. They then force you to jump out of the plane you were very comfortable staying on. You are sad because you are no longer on the plane, and now you might be hurtling toward your death.
Being forced to do things you don’t want to do, isn’t fun, and not to be dramatic, but there are times when women (and even some men) fear that they are going to die in situations of rape and sexual assault. I’ll admit, maybe there are a few exceptions to the rule doing things you don’t want to do isn’t fun, but essentially, if you are adamantly saying no to something, there is a reason for it, so stop trying to force women to consent to sex when they don’t want it.
I’d like to point out that this goes for men as well. If a man doesn’t want to have sex with you, don’t force him to because “guys always want sex.” While in your experience, many guys might always want sex, it doesn’t mean that they can’t decline sex either. And frankly, there are men out there who also just don’t want to have sex all the time, which, if you are unaware, is perfectly healthy and okay. Don’t force them to to anything they don’t want to do either, it is okay for them to not want to have sex, with you or in general.
Something that I am wholeheartedly passionate about is breaking down the double standards between men and women, because truthfully, it is those double standards that keep us in this cycle of sexual assault and harassment we have become accustomed to. I say accustomed because that is exactly what we are doing. There is no other explanation as to why I, and other college women, walk down the streets with our keys in our hands in case we have to use them to protect ourselves. There is no other explanation as to why women fear walking home late at night by themselves. There is no other explanation as to why anyone should feel unsafe when going to a party, or anywhere else for that matter. We, as a society, are not holding people accountable for their crimes against other members of our community. Instead, we are blaming the victims for others actions. We are telling girls that it is their fault they were raped for wearing skimpy clothing. We are telling boys that they shouldn’t say no to sex because it is in their nature to want it. We are teaching children that girls are sexual objects and that boys are obligated to pursue any person they would like, despite that person’s attempts to decline. We are teaching them that it is okay to have relations with someone against their will, because they will enjoy it once it happens.
I can’t tell you how many times in conversations with men where I have declined sexual relationships (again, for those of you who don’t know, I identify as asexual–not sure what that means? Check out this other article I wrote!) and they have replied with something along the lines of, “well you haven’t had sex with me, so how do you know you won’t enjoy it.” It shouldn’t matter if you think I would enjoy it. It shouldn’t matter if you think that I would have fun. The truth of the matter is that because I don’t want to have sex, I will never, under any circumstances, enjoy having sex. Especially with someone I hardly know. I said no, and therefore, I mean no. I’m not sure what the difficult concept is with this, and yet, men still think that I’m going to magically change my sexuality just for them. Newsflash fellas, it’s not happening.
While on the subject of rejecting people who you don’t want to have relationships with, we move on to why some people don’t actually reject people in the first place. (Clearly rejection is okay in essence, we are all adults so we should be able to comprehend when someone isn’t interested and you know, not try to further pursue them like I mentioned in the last paragraph, but alas, that is also why I am writing this article). Men always ask women why they are afraid to just tell a man no if they don’t want to pursue anything with them. The fact of the matter is many women are afraid of what the man will do to them if they say no. Some women suffer through sexual acts out of fear that a man might hurt or even kill them for declining their persistent pleas. This is the society we have created, that we live in each and every day. The double standards are pushing us further and further down this path of sexual misconduct, and if we don’t start making changes, I fear it is never going to stop.
Sexual assault and harassment are not a joke. It is prevalent on college campuses, in city streets, and virtually anywhere else you might think of, and it needs to stop now.