I used to think nothing good could come from any sort of romantic relationship that wasn’t defined or didn’t have a label.
I guess this misconception stemmed from what I saw– and experienced– in both middle and high school. Girls who had “things” with boys (and I mean really, what is a “thing” anyway?) or who were “talking” to boys were always in some state of confusion. In these situations, guys typically demanded nude pictures, and girls were often a lot more emotionally invested. I know because I was here once.
But surprise! In college, (some) of the guys are actually mature, and act like adults when it comes to dating. I spent much of my first semester Tindering, leading me to have many different experiences with different guys. I never really thought about defining the relationship with any of them at first because I was just enjoying hooking up with different people and grabbing the occasional bite to eat. I never asked someone what we were, because it didn’t matter, I didn’t care, and it was pretty obvious anyway. It’s easy to recognize when interactions between two people are stictly about sex.
Eventually, things started to change, and my relationship with one guy was becoming more serious than the rest. Sure, we had sex, but we also went on dates, hung out with each other’s friends, and watched Netflix. We texted good morning and goodnight and soon, he was on my mind more often than not. Feelings were clearly involved between both parties, and I began to ask myself the dreaded question: “What are we?”
As the weeks went on, I began to ask myself that question more and more. It felt as though we were dating. I didn’t want to hookup with anyone else– trust me, I tried to. But when you truly like someone, hooking up with randos loses its appeal.
I felt stuck. I was starting to fall head-over-heels for this boy, and I could tell he was falling hard as well. But the absence of the label scared me. There was nothing to keep him from talking to other girls, hooking up with other girls, or really just looking elsewhere. I wanted to be all in, but how could I?
My friends tried to convince me to ask the guy what we were or even tell him that I wanted to be exclusive. But stereotypically, when a girl asks these questions, she is crazy. She is clingy. She is obsessive. So I kept my mouth shut.
One night however, I finally mustered up some courage. When the guy told me that he really liked me, I responded with “so… what are you gonna do about it?” I couldn’t bear to ask “What are we?” but this was close enough. To my suprise, he told me that he wanted to date me exclusively but was too busy right now.
I could have let this send me into a downward spiral of overthinking and frustration, but I didn’t. I understood what he meant because I was busy, too. Could he have been lying? Sure. But I realized that the only way this was ever going to work was if I was all in, and if I trusted him. I now knew that what I was feeling towards him was mutual. Through this simple conversation, I learned that if both people are on the same page, the label isn’t necessarily all that important.
During the next couple of weeks, I simply enjoyed talking to and hanging out with the guy I liked. Putting a label prematurely on a good thing has the potential to ruin it after all. I let myself acknowledge the fact that I liked this guy more than I had liked anyone in a really, really long time. When his name popped up on my phone screen, I no longer tried to squash the butterflies that flew around in my stomach. I let myself feel, and I was happy.
If I was writing this story a week ago, it would have ended here. I would be telling you to not worry about putting a label on whatever “thing” you have, and to just enjoy the ride, as long as both parties are on the same page, of course. But I feel as though that would be extremely hypocritical of me, considering the guy asked me to be his girlfriend on our most recent date, and we are now exclusive.
I’m not going to lie to you: I am happier being exclusive. Why wouldn’t I be? Any new relationship is exciting, and the days of worrying about when to text back, or ask to see him are over. But putting a label on us hasn’t changed the ways in which we spend our time together or feel about one another. Taking the time these past five months to get to know each other has built what I believe to be a pretty strong foundation. I am excited to see what’s next.