It’s Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air and so is the sweat and tears of millions of men preparing last minute romantic gestures for their significant others. Some will gather dozens of rose petals to lead to the boudoir. Some will get a well-intentioned home cooked meal. But there are a few special ladies who will be on the receiving end of romantic gestures of the more ridiculous, crazy, and completely stomach-churning variety. Here are just a few modest examples of love gone wild:
At least it wasn’t a finger – When Kaitlin Whipple was challenged to a chugging contest by her friends, she was game. However, after downing her Frosty from Wendy’s, she ending up in the hospital after accidentally swallowing the ring that her boyfriend, the formidable genius Reed Harris, had hid for her. The ring was found on an X-ray image and, ready to redeem himself, Reed proposed to Kaitlin with the X-ray in lieu of the actual ring. Lucky for him, she said yes, and after passing the ring a few days later (ew!) they had it cleaned and presumably lived happily ever after. What no one seems to notice from this ludicrous story is—he was proposing to her at a Wendy’s???
Please tell me they tackled him – If you’ve ever watched a sitcom or a romantic comedy you’re well aware that a guy will go to great lengths to impress a girl, and public displays of affection are not out of the question. However, these displays usually involve pants. James Miller, military man and apparent soccer fan, did not get the memo. As a display of affection for his girl Thompson (and inspired by a few drinks), Miller jumped onto the field of a soccer game wearing only his boxers and shooting roses with a bow Cupid-style. Unfortunately the police do not watch as many rom-coms as Miller does, because he was arrested, fined, and banned from any further soccer games for three years. And worse, Thompson broke up with him and he was court-martialed. Moral of the story? Leave the nude archery to Cupid.
Cut to commercial – Speaking of PDA, it’s generally not a good idea to put your loved one on the spot in front of a large crowd with your gesture—particularly if they don’t share your ardor. One poor sap learned that the hard way and ended up with over 200,000 views on YouTube. All you have to do is look up “Public Wedding Proposal Gets Awkward” (not kidding), and you’ll see a man getting called up from the audience on some cheesy ’80s show. And what does he use his 15 seconds to do? Why, propose to his girlfriend of exactly one month of course! Her silence, his squirming, the awkward eye darting of the host… it’s a train wreck worthy of a studio audience. Gentlemen, unless it’s a sure thing, keep the proposals off the air.
Maybe he can add a funny mustache? –Ah, the tattoo. The lasting proof of millions of bad choices and loves gone wrong. Here is just one example: Alan Jenkins, wife to Lisa and father to their two children, spent 20 hours and $1500 getting a full-back tattoo with the faces of his wife and children. Seems like a sweet, if unnecessarily painful gesture, right? Unfortunately, he should have added the face of Kaspars Gavars, his wife’s much-younger personal trainer and lover. The fiasco landed the family a spread in the UK Daily Mail where he showed off the extensive tattoo and made the decision to keep it. So was that out of romance or was he just done with needles?
Least romantic use of a plane – When planning romantic gestures, it’s good to play to your strengths, and no one can say that Dick Kleis is guilty of breaking that rule. As a special surprise for his wife’s birthday, the Iowa farmer spent about three hours spelling out “HAP B DAY LUV U” in 120,000 pounds of cow manure. “I was going to put a heart out there after the happy birthday, but I ran out of manure,” he said. Shame. Then he flew his lady love, one very patient Carole Kleis, up in a plane to view his masterpiece. Fortunately for Dick, she enjoyed the gesture, though I doubt the smell was as enticing.
Was he expecting her to bake them? – In just one of the many crazy romantic gestures that ended in jail time, there’s the tale of Brett Goodhue and the promise of the brownies. Brett was arrested on charges of trespassing and larceny of property worth at least $250 when a neighbor caught him trying to sneak into his girlfriend’s house with a baking dish and box of brownie mix. Goodhue told the police his girlfriend was just out of the hospital, and when he asked if she wanted anything, she had requested brownies. We can probably assume she didn’t mean he had to climb into her window to get them for her. Still, that’s one dangerous craving.
Please tell me this is on YouTube – Romantic comedies get a lot of flack for their outlandish romantic gestures, but hey, they’re just movies, right? Pete Simson didn’t seem to think so when he hired his city’s local cinema to play a self-made five minute film for his girlfriend, who thought he was taking her to a movie for her birthday. Instead she was treated to five minutes of Simson miming the ballad “If You’re Not the One” by Daniel Bedingfield (let that sink in), writhing on a bed, and dancing “in a variety of colourful pants.” Simson proposed to his girlfriend at the movie’s close with participation by the cinema’s employees and lucky for him, she wasn’t scared off by “colourful pants” dancing, and accepted. Something tells me this proposal falls somewhere between “artistic” and “hilarious.”
What goes up… This one is such a classic proposal-gone-wrong that I’ll just give you the set-up: Would-be groom Lefkos Hajji planned on putting a $1000 engagement ring for his girlfriend in a balloon and then literally “popping” the question. A ring in a balloon? I wonder how that could possibly go wrong… As one would expect, Hajji lost control of the balloon during a gust of wind and despite a two day search, was unable to find it. “I felt like such a plonker,” he admitted. Well, sure. And what about that girlfriend? Well apparently, she refuses to speak to him until he buys her another ring. Sounds like true love.
All that’s missing is the fireworks – But crazy romantic gestures don’t always have to be disastrous or involve the business end of a cow. Some are simply crazy-romantic. A personal favorite of mine is the flashmob proposal at Disneyland. It tops all the other string of proposals because 1.) It’s at Disneyland 2.) It’s a flashmob and 3.) The groom joins in, and that boy can dance. The video, simply titled “Jamin’s Downtown Disney Flashmob Proposal” has gotten over 4 million hits on YouTube and is easily one of the most romantic and over-the-top proposals I’ve ever seen. And did I mention it was in Disneyland? That’s one way to make a girl feel like a princess.
The gift that keeps on giving – As far as crazy, ridiculous romantic gestures go, I think Lonely Island has a lock on this one. And I’m afraid it’s a trend that’s not going to die out soon. Step 1: Cut a hole in the box…