“Lorena, you listen to a lot of pretty horrendous music and it’s clogging up my newsfeed.” Oh, Emerson boy-who-shall-remain-anonymous, you just don’t get it, do you? While most girls these days claim Taylor Swift “narrates” their lives, it’s Brit Brit who’s writing this chapter of my life.
Thanks to Spotify and Facebook’s handy new hook-up, where all 500 of your closest friends can now scrutinize your taste in music, my secret shame has been revealed. Or has it?
If Ms. Spears is the Princess of Pop (she’s still considered that, right?!), then consider me the Princess of Obscure Britney Spears Tracks. Unlike my classmate, Broseph Stalin, I am open to willingly admit that I listen to Britney Spears. A lot. Like, every day. We’re not just talking about whatever single she’s just released (which, by the way, is Criminal and totally worth checking out,) we’re talking deep cuts, B-sides, and downright obscure tracks you may have completely missed out on.
Here’s what’s been on heavy rotation on my Spotify. Should you find yourself singing along with great enthusiasm, we should definitely become BFFLs.
“Up N Down” – on Femme Fatale, Deluxe Edition
Choice Lyrics: I know you want me like kids want candy/ so keep watchin’ me go down n up n down n up n down.
In typical HBIC (Head B**ch In Charge) fashion, Britney delivers a bossy beat and cocky lyrics. The story here is simple: Britney wants you to watch her enter her a room and take charge. Who was it said that the party don’t stop ’til she walks in? Step aside, Ke$ha, Brit’s got the floor here.
“Hot As Ice” – on Blackout
Choice Lyrics: I’m just a girl with the ability to drive a man crazy / Make him call me mama / Make him my new baby
These lyrics just don’t make any sense as a whole. In this pole-dance ready gem, Brit Brit calls herself ‘cold as fire’ and ‘hot as ice.’ The result is a melange of seemingly-sexy claims set to a bass-heavy synth beat.
As a whole, Blackout is Britney’s forgotten album. Frankly, most people only remember listening to “Gimme More.” Remember the video? It was one long, sad, extreme close-up of a slightly chubby Britney grinding up against a pole. It came out during her Dark Ages – aka the time she got a new tattoo practically every week, hit paparazzi with umbrellas and shaved off her hair. Girl, you crazy, but still hot as ice.
“Anticipating” – on Britney
Choice Lyrics: Gotta really let me know if you want me /gotta turn me on and make me feel sexy /gotta show me you’ve got everything that I need
Here’s a song that takes place in a non-existent club that many Britney songs also live in. Think tracks like “I Love Rock N Roll”, “Boys” and “Crazy” – got it? Good. It’s that type of Britney song. The song’s about – wait for it – anticipating a good night out with a cute guy (who, much like this club, is also non-existent.)
I imagine this club looks a little like the roller rink in Jessica Simpson’s video for “Public Affair” – remember that song? Now you do.
Bombastic Love – on Britney
Choice Lyrics: It’s gonna be fantastic love/ When i wake up everthing is still the same/ And you don’t even know my name
“Bombastic Love” is single-handedly one of the most ridiculous Britney Spears songs of all time. In it, Britney yearns for a love that’s “gonna be exactly like in the movies” – these days, that could mean anything, from a Katherine Heigl rom-com to a heartbreaking Blue Valentine -type romance. Yeesh.
But, back the music: the vocals here are especially pronounced and over-top, even for Britney. The girl’s known for her over-enunciation and melismas, and they’re really weird here. Still, it makes for a decent deep cut on Britney’s ‘transition’ album – which was released alongside her movie debut in Crossroads. Which, by the way, is not actually that terrible, compared to other early 2000s teen movies like it.
Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know – on Oops I Did It Again
Choice Lyrics: Are you listening to this song? EVERYTHING IS SO EMOTIONAL.
Hold. Everything. And listen: I was hesitant to admit it, but this is probably the BEST Britney Spears song of all time. Unlike the other songs on this list, it’s a ballad.
Why is it so good? Could it be because it was written by SHANIA TWAIN? Country’s-then reigning queen penned this song for Britney, who absolutely NAILS IT in the vocal department. The choir in the background also make for an amazing dramatic breakdown in the end.
It’s soft, sexy, and the best pick for post-break-up drunken karaoke. If you’re into that, I mean.
Think I missed something? Tweet us @HCEmerson or take it up with me personally at @lormora.