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Badly Summarized ‘Harry Potter’ Movies, Pt. 2

Two weeks ago, I badly summarized the first four Harry Potter movies. I’m back now to summarize the last four, and in the process, fulfill my ego by sassing my favorite boy wizard of all time.

Harry Potter and Order of the Phoenix

Harry’s new favorite movie is Voldy’s Comeback: The Death of a Handsome Hufflepuff, although no one in the Ministry of Magic seems to be a fan. Sirius is a part of a secret organization called the “Order of the Phoenix” *roll credits* founded by Dumbledore. We meet the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Dolores Umbridge. Umbridge uses all the hate she has for herself (purely my opinion) and puts it out on the students, making decree after decree that Filch has to hang up on the wall. Since Umbridge also doesn’t think the Voldy Comeback movie is a hit, she only teaches theory in class. Outraged that his wand isn’t being put to good use, Harry takes matters into his own hands (sorry, I had to). He starts Dumbledore’s Army to teach other Hogwarts students spells, and win Cho’s heart. Harry begins to have visions of people being attacked, and when he sees Sirius being attacked, Harry, his trusted friends, and his classic teenage angst go to the Ministry of Magic to save him.

Once there, Harry finds out he’s been tricked by the Death Eaters (now available with a freshly-out-of-Azkaban Bellatrix Lestrange) to get the prophecy out of him. Members of the Order show up to save Harry and his friends, but Sirius doesn’t survive. The movie ends with the Minister of Magic accepting that Voldemort has indeed, returned.

What’s good: Daniel does a rad job playing angsty Harry Potter (see what I did there?). This is the movie that blessed us with Luna Lovegood.

What’s not good: The screenplay could’ve been much better. There’s a lot from the Marauder’s age in the book that we don’t see in the movie.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Harry’s very own nemesis, Draco Malfoy, is chosen to do something sinister that Snape promises to take over, because everyone knows the boy will fail. While Snape and Draco’s mom make vows to each other, Dumbledore takes Harry to meet Slughorn, a former potions professor at Hogwarts. A lot of things happen once they get to Hogwarts: Ron becomes a keeper, gets a girlfriend (who isn’t Hermione), Harry continues to impress Slughorn as he aces Potions using a borrowed book that once belonged to a “Half-Blood Prince.” Meanwhile, Hermione is pining for Ron, and a good grade in potions. Harry also suddenly realizes that Ron’s sister Ginny exists, and develops feelings for her. “Draco now-super-hot Malfoy” plays around with a vanishing cabinet, sending fruits and birds around. Through Slughorn (and obviously with Dumbledore’s help) Harry finds out that Tom Riddle split his soul into seven parts and that destroying all of them is the key to destroying Voldemort. Harry and Dumbledore go to a shady cave, fight something called an Inferi, and get a hold of Slytherin’s locket, which they believe is one of the horcruxes. Upon arrival to Hogwarts, Draco tries to kill Dumbledore, prompting Snape to do the act for him when he is unable to kill his headmaster. Harry finds out that Snape is the Half-Blood Prince, and with Dumbledore dead, it is up to him and his best friends, Mr. Oblivious and Ms. Pining, to destroy the remaining horcruxes.

What’s good: Tom Felton.

What’s not good: I guess Dumbledore dying is a bad thing.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 1

Harry and his friends are attacked by Voldy and his squad of Death Eaters when they attempt to leave Privet Drive, during which Harry loses Hedwig and Mad Eye Moody, and George’s entire ear. We find out that Voldemort cannot use his wand to kill Harry because their wands are “twins.” Dumbledore leaves Harry a snitch (trying to say something about his personality, probably), Ron a deluminator, and Hermione The Tales of Beedle the Bard, because we all agree she’s a know-it-all nerd. Harry and his friends sneak into the Ministry of Magic and successfully steal a horcrux from Umbridge. The trio hide in the woods, and we spend most of the movie watching three teenagers have relationship issues and mood swings. After destroying the locket, they visit Luna’s father to hear the story of the Deathly Hallows. Unfortunately, though, he hands them over to Death Eaters, but not before telling them what they need to know. Bellatrix tortures Hermione for information while Harry and Ron are stuck in a cellar with Luna. Harry and his friends manage to break out of the cellar, and have a showdown with the Death Eaters. Dobby claims that he is a free elf and gets the trio and their friends out of Malfoy Manor. However, Dobby gets injured in the process and ends up dying in Harry’s arms. Voldemort breaks Dumbledore’s tomb and takes the most powerful wand in the world, the Elder wand, for himself.

What’s good: The Deathly Hallows storyline is absolutely beautiful. I’ll watch the entire movie just for that.

What’s not good: THEY KILLED DOBBY!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2

The second installment of The Deathly Hallows, and the last installment of the Harry Potter saga, this movie is mostly just the battle at Hogwarts. Harry and his best friends, Rowena Ravenclaw and Helga Hufflepuff destroy more horcruxes, after which they sneak into Snape-run Hogwarts. McGonagall and Snape have a showdown, and Snape goes for McGonagone. Harry gets Rowena’s diadem and destroys it using the basilisk fang, burning down the Room of Requirement and killing Goyle in the process. He manages to save Draco sets-my-heart-racing Malfoy, so… 10 points to Gryffindor! Harry figures out that Nagini is the last horcrux, and watches as Snape gets killed by the snake. Before Snape dies, he asks Harry to watch his memories in the Pensieve. We find out that Snape was not the entitled school bully but the victim. We also find out that he is friendzoned by Lily, Harry’s mom. Harry also finds out that he is an accidental horcrux. Harry goes to the Forbidden Forest to surrender himself, and after Voldemort Avada Kedavra’s him, Harry goes into limbo to find out that Voldemort did everyone a favor, and killed the Voldy part of Harry. Once they’re back at Hogwarts, Mrs. Weasly kills Bellatrix, Neville kills Nagini, and Harry kills Voldemort, once and for all.

What’s good: “NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH.” (And this movie wasn’t as big of a yawn fest as the first part.)

What’s not good: The deaths. SO. MANY. DEATHS.

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