I was pissed when Logan Paul went to the infamous suicide forest in Japan. Since then, I’ve found myself laughing at him because it’s either that or be furious. I know his whole brand of humor thrives on controversy, and I didn’t want to become a part of that. And to be completely honest, I laughed the first time I heard about his New Year’s resolution to “go gay” for the month of March. It was just so stupid. But as I’ve had a few days to mull it over, I’ve realized that I’m pissed again. Not just about the implication that being gay is a choice, but that it’s something that would be fun for a cisgender heterosexual man to do for a month. Don’t get me wrong, I’m learning to love that I’m a lesbian. But sometimes it’s hard. With that said, I have ten helpful steps for those who might wish to “go gay.” Trigger warnings for suicide, internalized homophobia, and self-harm.
- When your girl friends get grade school crushes on boys, try your absolute hardest to join them. Pick the boy in your class who’s the least disgusting and try with every fiber of your being to develop a crush. Ignore the pretty girl who sits across from you, even though your eyes keep getting drawn to her. Keep this game up for years. Pick a boy every few years and try as hard as you can to develop feelings for him. It never works but keep trying.
- Kiss your best friend on the cheek impulsively, then run away. Never speak of it again. Try to convince yourself that it was a fluke, an accident, that for some reason you didn’t mean it.
- When your family members ask if you have a crush on any boys, flush bright red and avoid their eyes. They’ll laugh and say that you must be thinking of someone. Don’t let them know that the blush is because you’re embarrassed by your answer.
- When your best friends talk about their crushes on Tom Hiddleston at a sleepover, stay silent. Wait until the lights are off to cry, pressing your face into the pillow. It will get sopping wet, uncomfortable to sleep on, so flip it around and ruin the other side too. Feel so goddamn alone and lost that you’re ready to end your life.
- Finally come to the realization that you’re gay. Cry some more. Tell your family, and they’ll support you. But you won’t support yourself. Stop eating. Live each day like a ghost. Isolate yourself. Brainstorm ways to kill yourself but know you’re too cowardly to go through with anything.
- Absolutely hate yourself. Has that been emphasized enough? You’re gross, disgusting, utterly wrong for loving women. Listen to Linkin Park and sob in the shower. Write sad poetry and run razors down your arms.
- Hear about the Pulse shooting in Orlando and realize that people other than yourself hate you enough to kill you.
- Feel like you’ve been punched every time you hear someone jokingly call a friend a faggot.
- Live in a country that elects a sexual assaulter as president with a conversion therapy proponent as his right-hand man. Realize that the scared feeling is probably never going to leave you.
- Find a safe place where you think you might finally be okay with who you are. Find that that place is better than the real world, but barely. Community helps, but it doesn’t stop you from hating yourself. Keep trying. Maybe you’ll get there eventually, but you won’t know for sure. Wonder if it’s worth it. Sometimes, in your darkest days, wish desperately that you weren’t gay.
The key to going gay is hatred. Others will hate you, and you will hate yourself.